Alexis on the Sexes: Mixed signals

Q: There's this guy who I've liked for a while, but whenever we make plans, they always seem to fall through. We've only hung out outside of school a couple times at parties and at the beach, but nothing has happened. He has invited me to parties at his house, but they've always been last-minute invites (non-vites?), so I already had plans. When I talk to other people about this, they seem to be saying that if a guy likes a girl it's obvious, implying that since I can't tell, "He's just not that into me." My mom says I should just set up a date with him ahead of time. So I did that, and we have something of a date coming up, but now I feel strange and maybe a little embarrassed that I was the one who set it up (being the woman and all). What do you think of all this? --Jaimie

A: There's absolutely nothing wrong with hitting up a guy for a date, so don't sweat that part. People want to be wanted, so your invitation most likely made him feel flattered. Just don't fill the days and nights until your big date with texts about how you can't wait to be alone with him. Not only would that come off as mildly creepy (particularly if you use that exact verbiage), but it would also make you seem desperate. Desperation is an unattractive trait that tends to cause budding romantic feelings to unceremoniously wither and die. A confirmation call the day before your date or a few texts back and forth to finalize dinner plans are both good alternatives to total communication inundation.

Now, on to your main problem: a guy who is either a) not as interested in you as you are in him, or 2) interested but unwilling to show it for any number of reasons. It's easy to tell when someone likes you, though, as long as you keep your eyes open for a few signs. When you're hanging out at these parties, does he pay more attention to you than to anyone else? If he's really into you, he'll be making an effort to look at and talk to you as much as he can.

When you're having one-on-one time, what's his body saying? Nonverbal communication speaks volumes about who we're crushing on. If he's subtly leaning toward you, facing his body in your direction and making it a point to touch your arm or waist, then he's definitely into you. Also, not everyone stammers when they talk to their crush, but a lot of us do. Even if he's not tripping over his consonants, he might accidentally say ridiculous things. Like when I was talking to a major crush not too long ago, trying to sound really cool and smart, yet somehow ended up blurting out, "Oh, I love dolls!" Stu-pid.

What if he's doing all these things, on top of verbally expressing his mutual interest, but not making any moves to start dating? Don't stress too much. He's a dude, and dudes sometimes do weird things when they like you. Young guys especially will go out of their way to dodge expressing their feelings, because they're not sure how to do it. Getting a guy to talk about his feelings is a whole other column, though, and you're not quite at that stage yet. Sometimes guys are hesitant to start relationships because they're scared to lose the freedom of being single. You sound like a pretty rad chick who wouldn't want to impose on a man's free time by needing to be near him every hour of the day. Make sure he gets the idea that you have your own thing going on. You've got school, maybe a job, a bunch of great friends and you're happy with your life -- he would just make a fine addition to it.

For now and after your first date, don't focus on much aside from getting to know each other at an easy pace. Ignore the non-vites and let him know want to spend time with him when it's convenient for both of you. Life's too short to spend too much time and energy on a guy, unless he's eager to reciprocate.

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