How often do you get a head in city life?

"Goat head found in bag in St. Paul park." It's one of those stories that make you pause -- hmm. You're reassured, at first; if that's news, that means citizens don't usually find goat heads. Then you think they find heads all the time, and it's the goatish aspect that stood out. The police have said they believe the head came from a live market -- no, really? You're ruling out Amazon? I'm pretty sure you can get a goat head packed in dry ice online with free shipping. Want it tomorrow? Order your goat head in the next 3 hours 46 minutes! Customers who bought goat heads also viewed Squirrel Knuckles, Sheep Knees and the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Add to your wish list? Is this a gift?

I wouldn't rule any of that out. Anyway. My colleague Bill McAuliffe said a song from "The Sound of Music" kept going through his head, and I had to laugh: Of course! "The Lonely Goatherd." Lyrics? We can do that:

Out in a park was a lonely goat head / Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo! / Somewhere else, a remaining goat, dead / Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo! / Yes, in the snow was a severed noggin / Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo! / Brought at night on a wood toboggan / Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!

Who in the world would leave a goat head? / Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo! / Why not put it in the trash bin instead? / Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo! / Put it in a purse, leave it on your car seat / Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo! / Let a thief steal it, he'll have a real treat / Lay ee odl use it for a stew. ...

And so on. It is a source of mystery, this thing. There are three possible explanations.

1. Someone ate a goat but had no use for the head. So it's not considered a delicacy, I guess. It's a reminder how most of us who don't home-carve goats are disconnected from our food. When you eat a hamburger, you're just getting the end result of a complex sequence of events, from the birth of a cow, its uneventful life (cow day-planners have one word: CHEW), its inevitable lights-out and disassembly. You don't deal with the parts deemed unessential to the cheeseburger experience. The waiter doesn't ask if you want the head in a to-go bag. Oh, some people deal with heads; hunters often take the animal back and "dress" it, a term I wish they'd change. My dad hunted. The Sunday morning pre-church reminder -- "It's time for you to get dressed" is still chilling. Madonna's song "Dress you up in my love" suddenly sounds like the Ed Gein theme song.

I have a book from the '40s about making sausage at home, and Step One has instructions that include the words "bone saw." For most of us today, Step One to having sausage is opening the door of the grocery store. But someone out there is making goat sausage. It sounds disgusting, yes, but slap "artisanal" on the label and people would scoop it up. Especially if it's locally produced goat. Or ...

2. Cretinous youths have decided to be "Satanists" as a form of rebellion, and performed some rite in the woods in which they hoped to summon the Devil. That's always a good idea. Let's make a deal with the Prince of Lies -- he always keeps his word! So they get a goat head, because Satan's all into goats 'n' stuff, and mumble some Latin backward -- uh, pluribus e unum -- and expect a cloud of black smoke and a guy who looks like he played guitar for Led Zeppelin. But nothing happens. They leave the goat head in the park, and it's only the next day that one of them remembers he paid a deposit on it. Oh, well.

3. It was a message from a crime syndicate. Nice park you got here. Shame if anything happened to it. You got an emerald ash borer problem? We can make that go away. You don't want to pay, well. (Shrug.) This is unlikely, since the Mafia has largely abandoned the use of decapitated animals as a means of conveying a message. There was too much room for misinterpretation.

We may never know who dropped off the goat head, but it probably won't happen again. Whoever did this learned his lesson. Next time he'll put it in a box and mail it.

Even if it's discovered, someone will want to adopt it.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/popcrush