Tips on making a long-distance relationship work

At one point in their long-distance relationship, Matthew Harris and Maya Thompson were more than 20 hours apart — by plane. That's the time it takes to fly from Chicago to Sydney, Australia.

They both live in Chicago now, but for months, Harris, 24, and Thompson, 23, were in a long-distance relationship. She was finishing college in California, he was beginning his career in Chicago. Then came her temporary job in Sydney.

How did they make their long-distance relationship go the distance? How can you? Here's some advice about what to consider, talk about and do.

Dana Dorfman, a psychotherapist in Manhattan, said couples should develop a ritual about when they connect.

"Oftentimes couples will check in in the morning, check in in the evening," she said. "Having those predictable check-in points can provide anchors for communication and anchors for the relationship."

In his Los Angeles practice, marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner works with clients who date long distance or who travel often, such as musicians. He said that daters should know that when they're seeing each other for short visits, it isn't the same as when a couple live in the same place.

"When they do connect, it's very intense and well thought out," he said. "It's not always going to stay like that. There are going to be times where a person's going to be upset."

Dorfman suggests setting up expectations for visits. Talk about whether you want to have a low-key weekend or get out to exercise. Discuss what each of you wants individually.

"Otherwise, there could be competing desires and competing expectations that could have been pre-emptively ironed out," Dorfman said.

Harris and Thompson scheduled their visits well in advance, and kept to the schedule, even though that sometimes meant missing events at work or with friends or family.

And remember that you also can "meet" electronically. Consider organizing FaceTime dates — maybe cook dinner together — so that you both prioritize the time. Or do things at the same time.

Thompson and Harris went through a Bible study together when they lived in different cities.

Few couples choose to be in long-distance relationships forever. "Know when there's going to be an end to the long-term nature of it," said Dorfman. Even if it's just a general sense of when you're likely to live in the same city.

Both Harris and Thompson noted some positive parts of being independent.

"I think that time alone is beneficial in our relationship, because it allows us to focus on ourselves, develop ourselves," Harris said. "When we do get together, it's us."

Thompson advises other couples about to go the distance that being separated can be positive, not an obstacle.

"It really is a time for you to really be growing," she said. "It makes you appreciate your partner more, but it also makes you appreciate everything you also bring to the table in a relationship."

Dorfman said each person having individual lives is critical. "You don't want the relationship to necessarily detract from the quality of the rest of the life. You want it to enhance."

Thompson was excited about going to Sydney, but felt bad about being in a new place and having an amazing time.

"It just made it a little difficult for our conversations," she said. "Sometimes I would not be as open about things." She didn't want him to feel like he was missing anything, she said. But she realized that, ultimately, holding back could create a bigger emotional distance.

Both Thompson and Harris said they want each other to live their own lives. "You don't ever want to feel like you're the reason that your partner is stuck in time," Thompson said.

After taking time to have their own lives separately, they are now back together in Chicago.

"Having her back, it just feels like my heart is full," Harris said. "Half of my heart was gone for so long."