Movie review: What a mangled web 'Superhero' weaves

Leslie Nielsen has been playing incontinent on the screen for so long it's no wonder that, ahem, there's no gas left in that tank. So it's also no wonder that the 81-year-old funnyman passes (ahem) that cheese-slicing trademark on to Marion Ross, Richie Cunningham's TV mom, for "Superhero Movie," the latest winded (ahem, AHEM) installment in the movie-spoof genre that wore out its welcome as far back as "Scary Movie 2."

It's a movie for the inner 9-year-old in us all. That's the age that most people move on from flatulence jokes, and sniggering whenever they hear the "s" or "f" words.

That's a demographic that doesn't apparently include "Scary Movie 3" and "4" writer Craig Mazin, writer/director on this tiresome take on "Spider-Man," "The X-Men," "Batman" and "The Fantastic Four." Mazin can barely muster enough script to reference all of those movies in this spoof, which leans almost entirely on "Spider-Man." He certainly can't find anything funny to say about those movies.

Drake Bell plays Rick Riker, a would-be Empire City photographer bitten by a radio-active dragonfly on a class field trip. It gives him super-powers. It gives him a shot with the lovely Jill Johnson (Sara Paxton). It doesn't help him save his aunt and uncle (Ross and Nielsen) from the fate that the city's criminal element has in store.

Christopher McDonald doesn't embarrass himself as the scientist/industrialist turned supervillain, the Hourglass. But even he has nothing funny to play.

"I am the Hourglass and YOUR TIME IS UP!"

Tracy Morgan has two roles in the film, as a teen sidekick to young Rick (aka the Dragonfly) and as Dr. Xavier, head of "Xavier's School for the Non-Asian Gifted."

Stephen Hawking stuck-in-a-beehive jokes are about as edgy as the comedy gets. A Dalai Lama beat-down in the finale seems strangely Chinese, and even a Barry Bonds-steroids joke seems so forced as to not earn so much as a grin.

The movie's highlight is actually available for free, all over the Internet. Actor Miles Fisher replicates Tom Cruise's "I am the Way, the Thetan, the Light" Scientology recruiting video of last year to hilarious effect.

But that's all that's hilarious. And you can see that for free on YouTube.

Of course, there are people willing to pay good money to see the "Happy Days" mom break wind. I'd suggest you stop their allowance if they do.