It's that time of year when distant friends treat you to a synopsis of their lives for the past year. These holiday letters are tricky to write under the best of circumstances.
But this year, they're particularly thorny, now that America seems to be divided into two camps: the 99 percent and the 1 percent.
About half the people have spiritually aligned themselves with those struggling in today's economy, while the rest have hitched their aspirations and loyalties to the upper crust. Writing a holiday letter under these easy-to-offend circumstances is braving a literary minefield.
If you pen a plaintive narrative that puts you among the dispirited working class, you'll be unfairly painted as a socialist trying to ruin America. Come off as too triumphant, unscathed by economic woes, and you'll come off looking like a soulless, Trumpian ogre.
So I have taken the trouble to write you a one-size-fits-all holiday letter that takes into account the divergent worldviews of your distant friends. Sure, you'll have to stretch the truth a little, but that's a core element of these holiday letters anyway.
Simply circle the choice among the words in parentheses to customize your letter for recipients who align themselves with either the 99 or the 1 percent.
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Dear friends:
