A precarious time for split-ticket couples

Tuesday could be a difficult day for Karl Lenker and his partner of a decade, Jan Lewin. He is going to vote for Donald Trump. She is voting for Kamala Harris.

They aren’t the only couple sparring over political ideology in this historically tight presidential election. Recent estimates say about one-third of couples do not share a political affiliation, and for split-ticket couples, this may be a “precarious moment,” said Cynthia Peacock, an associate professor of communication studies at the University of Alabama who studies politically mismatched relationships.

Peacock’s research has found that people in such relationships tend to report lower levels of relationship satisfaction than those who share the same views as their partner.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, she insists. Her research suggests that ideological differences matter less in relationship satisfaction than how couples navigate talking about them.

“If you’re fighting more, and those fights are becoming intense and nasty, that’s what’s hurting the relationship,” she said. “Not necessarily the difference in political positions.”

Lenker and Lewin, who live in Atlanta, don’t hesitate to rib one another. He sips his morning coffee from a “Dumb and Dumber” mug featuring the Democratic candidates. She outiftted the bathroom in their condo with Trump-themed toilet paper.

But that’s as far as they allow it to go. They sometimes debate politics, but if they sense that it’s turning into an argument, they stop.

“Rule No. 1 is: Jan and I refuse to allow political differences to drive a wedge in our personal relationship,” Lenker said.

Jim Davis (a Republican) has come up with a different approach. He has decided that the best thing he can do for his relationship is to simply not discuss politics with his wife of 50 years, Michele Weiner-Davis (a Democrat).

They live in Boulder, Colo., which typically leans blue, “so when I’m brave enough to tell people that I’m married to someone with different political beliefs, it’s almost like a deer in headlights,” Weiner-Davis said with a laugh.

But she is a couples therapist who often helps patients navigate differences, and she has learned to prioritize what she and her husband have in common — above all, a deep love for their children and grandchildren — and to stay relatively quiet on their politics.

“I made a decision a long time ago that we are entitled to be different,” she said. “When people really get into trouble is when they try to — as we did, initially — convince each other of the virtues of their positions.”

One of the techniques Peacock recommends is to separate the partner from the party.

Thomas Moran, 60, a self-described “centrist Democrat” from Las Vegas, has been married for more than 20 years to a woman whose political views diverge sharply from his own. (Moran’s wife declined to be interviewed.)

“We love each other very much and support each other in all aspects — except for this one area,” he said.

So they compartmentalize. “We kind of put it in a box and off to the side,” Moran said.

Avoiding political discussions is one way to go, but it’s not the only way, experts said.

Couples may not have many opportunities to practice talking about politics effectively in the current political environment, said Elizabeth Earnshaw, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of “‘Til Stress Do Us Part.”

“People are not having healthy, positive discourse about their differences,” she said. “There’s often contempt and criticism and accusations.”

The goal is to be able to say: “I want to know why this is important to you,” she said, and find some common ground.