Alexis on the Sexes: Drunk for life

Q: I'm dating a guy who drinks every day. He'll grab one from the fridge on the way home or to happy hour(s). Usually he has at least three to five at the bar, then several more at home, then a beer and cig before bed. Then, let the weekend begin! Friday begins at happy hour, then it's off to see a band from 9 p.m. to bar close. Sometimes it continues at home, and then he sleeps it off. It begins again early Saturday evening (unless there is a noon motorcycle ride, with a drink at all the stops) and goes until midnight or 2 a.m., then on to Sunday, with another five to seven afternoon beers and maybe a few cocktails. It starts all over at happy hour Monday.

If you met him, you wouldn't know. He's a very charming, well-liked man. His co-workers and clients have no clue. Besides the drinks, he thrives on the bar atmosphere. And just so you know, he always drives his car or motorcycle home, has never gotten a ticket, thinks it's OK to take one for the road and usually has a cooler in the car.

Am I wrong in thinking this is excessive? I try to keep up, but cannot. I try to tell him this really isn't normal, but he truly thinks it is OK behavior.

A: First things first, your boyfriend is an irresponsible, inconsiderate asshole because he's driving drunk. At least 140 people are killed by drunken drivers every year in our state. That number is more than a statistic to a lot of people, including my mother, who lost one of her daughters at the hands of a drunken driver.

If he is drinking and driving every day, it is only a matter of time before he gets busted. Cops hand out more than 30,000 DWIs a year in Minnesota, each costing the offender thousands in bail, fines, lawyer fees, lost wages and a hefty insurance-rate increase. If a drunken driver happens to seriously injure or kill someone, he or she will be financially screwed for a very long time. It's probably difficult for your boyfriend to wrap his brain around the possible consequences of his actions, thinking he's smart by saving a few bucks on a taxi. However, the cost of getting caught is literally more than 300 times more expensive than hailing a cab. If he's worried about leaving his car somewhere, Dry Drivers (651-491-9363) and Drink and Drive Intelligently (651-338-1425) are two-man car services that will happily get him and his vehicle home safely for around $30.

In addition to the alcohol, your boyfriend is addicted to the fun social atmosphere of the bar. I can relate -- I work in a bar 25 hours a week and I love it. As far as you know, your boyfriend's vice does not affect his job performance or his ability to maintain professional relationships, and that's great. The problem is that it affects his relationship with you. You have a problem with it, which means, whether you're consciously aware of it or not, you're constantly passing judgment on him. Imagine how frustrated and angry you'll feel six months down the road, or if you decide to move in together.

All of this makes my opinion on his drinking habits irrelevant. If his lifestyle isn't working for you, then you need to have a serious discussion about how to save your relationship. Tell him you're not asking him to give up alcohol completely, but you would like him to chill out on the drinking. Offer to detox with him. A two-week cleanse is a great way to flush the booze out of your system -- plus not waking up with a hangover every day is enough to motivate anyone.

If he cannot commit to detox and moderation, then he prioritizes alcohol over you and it's time to move on. It's possible he simply prefers to live life under the influence, and that's his prerogative. But you deserve to be with someone who will put you first, or at least acknowledge that you care enough to voice concern for his well-being.