Alexis on the Sexes: No benefits

Q: I've been romantically linked to a guy off and on for about eight years. We've gone through periods where we're very close, as well as periods where we don't talk for months. He's helped me move, I've met his friends, I know he cares about me. However, he has started dating a girl who has declared "in a relationship" with him on Facebook. When I found out, I cut ties with him. He texted me a week later, and between my inability to get mad again and my curiosity, I went over. He made it clear that she's too young and unambitious for them to have a future. I explained how immoral dating me is while she believes they are together, to no avail.

When we hooked up in college, I was infatuated with him and he hurt my feelings deeply. I've matured and am now able to control how much of myself I give him. But I will always have a soft spot for him. He's like Don Draper -- dapper and irresistible. This other girl has been around for a few months, and I've known him for years. I've tried to cut ties with him, but he won't let me go. The more I distance myself, the more persistent he becomes. Am I naive to think that one day he will realize how much I mean to him, or am I wasting my time and energy? How do I get off of this roller coaster? I'm not strong enough to turn him down every weekend.

A: If he was officially married, would you continue to have an affair? A lot of people draw the line at messing around with married folks, which I find interesting. His girlfriend likely assumes she's in a committed, exclusive relationship.

And you do realize you're also responsible for her broken heart when she finds out it was all a lie, right? You're not owning your role if you're accusing just him of being immoral. I also sense a touch of delusion: "dating me while she believes they are together"? Wake up, sister. They are together. Not only is it Facebook-official, but there's someone else he's spending time with when he's not hitting you up for sex on the weekends, and that someone is her. He doesn't care who knows it, either, or he wouldn't have confirmed (or sent) that Facebook relationship request.

How do you feel in between each secret rendezvous, right after you let him hit it? Hopefully, you experience at least a little remorse. That sick, spent feeling isn't afterglow; it's your conscience telling you that something isn't right. It must be pretty hard to say "We shouldn't be doing this" with any degree of conviction while his cock is in your mouth, so force yourself to start saying no.

Tell him the vagina's down for monthly maintenance, make other plans or bang one of your single friends instead. Spend the weekend with your girlfriends, who likely don't make you feel like a sticky Kleenex afterward. You might realize you deserve better treatment and allow yourself to be open to a fresh, new relationship. Falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world, and it sure beats the hell out of being crushed week after week.

What is your desired end result? You're clearly jealous of his other relationship, yet the two of you have never managed to create a committed one of your own. You want him to realize how much you mean to him, but what if he already knows? What if you're exactly what he wants you to be: so emotionally attached that you're physically available to him whenever he feels like banging you? Your undying love for him and inability to say no are great reasons for him to keep you around. Heck, you're better than a dog!

Have some self-respect. He's using you and you're letting him. Your friendship with benefits has been a years-long lesson on how to treat you like crap and still get whatever he wants from you. I don't even know you, but I know you're worth more than that.