Ask Amy: Adoption secret still stings

Dear Amy: Five years ago, late in life, I learned that I was adopted. My birth parents and adoptive parents all have died.

"Janice," my birth mother, moved out of state to give birth to me, telling only her siblings and a few close friends. The biological cousins I've located were aware of my birth because of whispered conversations, but never spoke directly to Janice about it.

My birth family has been extremely warm and welcoming. Despite this, they don't want anyone who might have known Janice to find out about my existence because they believe that is what Janice would have wanted.

I understand wanting to honor her wishes, but I do exist, and the family's wanting to keep me a secret makes me feel like my birth is shameful.

Similarly, my half-brother from my birth father ("Henry") doesn't want me contacting Henry's widow (his stepmother), whom he hasn't told about me. He believes it would upset her too much to learn that Henry gave up a baby 30 years before they met.

I feel I deserve to be acknowledged for who I am and how I came to be. Am I out of line in wanting to reach out to people who knew my birth parents? How should I handle this with the family?

Amy says: Yes, you do exist, and you have the right to declare your existence in any way that you believe serves your interest.

You are trying to piece together a long-ago story regarding two people you've never met. You've been denied the dawning awareness, garnered over decades, that people who grow up with their birth families receive. You're trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle on a sped-up timeline.

My instinct is that you should give this a little more time, visiting in-person with family members as you find your place within this family system. Don't only visit the past with these people, but work on building a relationship you all can carry into the future.

While I understand your desires, no one is guaranteed closure. And so I urge patience. If time is closing in on you, then make your choice on a case-by-case basis — with full awareness of the possible consequences.

Dear Amy: I had a longtime friend who has had multiple affairs during her now 20-year marriage. Her husband has found out about each of them but, for whatever reason, chooses to stay with her.

When she started her most recent affair, I tried to convey that I would prefer not to hear about it because it made me uncomfortable. (Her husband cried to me about this.) She said her husband has agreed to it, so it was no different than an open marriage, and that I'm being judgmental.

Should I have just accepted this relationship because both parties apparently have agreed to the arrangement? Am I the one in the wrong here for asking that she not discuss this with me?

Amy says: It isn't necessary for you to accept your friend's choices, because your knowledge of them has resulted in your losing respect for her.

It was reasonable to attempt to establish that you didn't want to be an audience to episodes that damage your friendship.

This friendship is quite out of balance, which is one reason it has ended.