Ask Amy: Any kind of cheating is cheating

Dear Amy: A couple I know have been married for decades. Seven years ago, the husband had an affair. The wife found out about it when the other woman contacted her to complain about the husband stalking her.

The husband swore it was over and would never happen again. But a few years later, the wife discovered intimate, affectionate text messages between the husband and the other woman. She also learned about clandestine dinners they shared.

After saying yet again that the affair was over, the husband claimed it wasn't cheating because there was no sex involved. The husband eventually was able to understand that emotional infidelity is just as egregious as physical infidelity.

The wife demanded the husband have no further contact with the other woman. He promised that if the other woman ever attempted to contact him he would do two things: not engage in any way with her, and immediately inform his wife.

Fast-forward another two years, and the wife learned that the other woman contacted the husband. The husband did not inform the wife. Upon learning of this (months later), the wife was furious and felt betrayed.

The husband thinks this incident is no big deal. He said that the other woman called him and he didn't hang up on her because he didn't want to be rude. He feels that his wife should trust him regarding any future contact with the woman.

The wife thinks that in order to put this behind them, the other woman needs to be completely expunged from his life and never return. She believes he needs to earn her trust back because he broke his promise and was dishonest.

What is your take?

Amy says: Many times over the years, I have recommended that couples seeking to understand and recover from infidelity should read the groundbreaking research of Shirley Glass, illuminated in her book "Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" (co-written with Jean Coppock Staeheli and published by Atria in 2004).

The husband in this scenario no doubt believes that he is moving in the right direction — from intimate exchanges to politeness on the phone.

But what he refuses to acknowledge is that each time he has any contact with his affair partner, this reminds his wife of the infidelity. Yes, he should refuse all contact with the affair partner.

Dear Amy: Every year, I become overwhelmed by the holiday season and don't manage to send more than a couple of holiday cards from my long list. The boxes of unused cards are starting to pile up.

Any suggestions?

Amy says: Send your cards after the crush is over. I maintain that any card or holiday letter arriving until the end of February is "on time."

But if you are looking to offload your unused cards, inquire about donating them to a senior center or assisted living home.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.