Ask Amy: Baby's naming causes family rift

Dear readers: Every year I step away from my column for two weeks to work on other projects. I hope you enjoy these "best of" columns from 10 years ago. Today's topic: in-laws.

Dear Amy: I cannot deal with my "monster-in-law." She's bossy, antagonistic and gossips about my personal business.

As much as I try to care about her, my dislike for her has been surfacing more and more. I cannot seem to come up with an effective way to cope with her.

I almost called off our wedding twice, partly because of her. Now I am pregnant, and the only thing I hear from her is how we must name our son (if it's a boy) the family name, Bernie (he would be the fourth one).

Neither my husband nor I want to use this name, but she is adamant that we must, and says that if we do not, she will call him Skipper — the nickname the family uses for all of the other Bernies in the family.

I am beginning to hate her for this. I don't know what to do, and the more I get upset about her behavior, the more my husband and I argue. Any advice for us?

Amy says: Every time your mother-in-law successfully riles you, she ignites a little spark in you. Then you oxygenate the spark by reacting to her — or fighting with your husband — and before you know it, you're in flames (and you've made her day).

My advice is for you and your husband to discuss strategies for drawing and enforcing boundaries. But, for the record, continue reading on for another option.

Dear Amy: I was amused by the letter from a pregnant woman whose mother-in-law was insisting on calling her baby Skipper, regardless of the child's actual name. I would have said, "Great. And we'll teach him to call you Gilligan." End of discussion.

Amy says: Bang. Zoom. Everyone's a comedian.

Grin and bear it

Dear Amy: I have come to realize that I can't change my mother-in-law, so I might as well find humor with my situation. I find myself looking forward to her saying insulting and insensitive comments so I can write them down to share with my friends. I have enough to write a book!

Dear Amy: I strongly suggest that a mom-to-be who complained about her mother-in-law realize that the problem isn't with her in-law but with her husband, who won't stand up to his mother when she oversteps.

I had a similar problem of a boundary-crossing mother-in-law, which almost cost me my marriage until, in counseling, my husband realized that his mother was his problem to deal with, not mine. Once he took care of business, our marriage became more unified and loving.

Amy says: I agree that the burden for creating boundaries falls mainly to the offspring. (August 2012)

Dear Amy: A recent letter brought back so many memories. My mother-in-law was an overbearing meddler, too, with a bad reputation in town. This couple should do what we did — move 1,000 miles away.

Amy says: This seems like the "nuclear option," but I'm glad it worked for you. (August 2012)