Ask Amy: Birth mother lays on the guilt

Dear Amy: I was abandoned by my mother and adopted by another family at 18 months old. Thirty years later, I located my birth parents. My birth father declined to meet. I met my birth mother and spent time with her.

In the years since, she has stolen from me, lied to me and cut me with her cruelty. I decided that as much as I wanted to know her, I did not need or want a toxic relationship in my life, and I stopped communicating with her.

I explained to her why I was going to stop communicating. Her reply was, "I'll see you in Hell."

Many months passed without any word from her. Over the past few days, I've heard from her several times. She had a fall, is in a nursing home and needs help.

I continue to struggle with a sense of responsibility toward her, even though I know that she is poison for me. My friends and family say that I don't owe her anything, but she gave birth to me. If I don't help her, I feel guilty. If I do help her, I feel worthless and used.

Please offer some of your guidance.

Amy says: I agree with your friends and family that you do not owe your birth mother. In my view, all of your actions now should be focused on your own health and emotional well-being.

Do not give in to your mother's manipulations. Do let this episode guide you toward your own higher purpose.

Human compassion might inspire you to try to help, but there are ways to do this without becoming too emotionally involved. No, she cannot live with you. No, you cannot assume care for her. But you might be able to ensure that she has a safe environment to live in.

The facility where she is residing likely has a social worker on staff. This person could review your mother's situation with you and discuss her options. If you are willing to talk to your mother, you could review those options with her.

Dear Amy: My father died about a year ago and left his house to me and my two sisters. One sister was left in charge of his estate. Unfortunately, she lost her husband after a long illness and has been grieving. As a result, my father's house has been sitting untouched.

How should I approach her to talk about the affairs of the house without causing an issue during her time of grief?

Amy says: You might ask your sister if handling your father's estate is a burden for her, and, if so, you could offer to help sort through the various details of dealing with this property.

Speak to your sister gently and compassionately: "I'd like to talk about Dad's estate. Can we set up a time for us to talk?"

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.