Ask Amy: Cancer survivor needs support

Dear Amy: Six years ago, I developed a cancer with a life expectancy of three to six months. After getting chemo, I received a donor bone marrow transplant. After several months in the hospital, the transplant was deemed successful. The probability of recurrence is low.

I worked very hard at recovery. Now I am trying to accept a new normal. I have post-transplant complications, including fatigue, graft versus host disease, organ damage, emotional trauma, food constraints and am immune-compromised.

I try to present myself well, but it's hard to keep up the act, and sooner or later something comes up that highlights my inabilities. I get tired of blaming "the Big C," but often it comes out; for example, I get extremely fatigued and have to leave social engagements early, so I mumble something to explain myself.

I have not been able to come up with a way to present myself that works well (I make jokes that fall flat, etc.). Any suggestions for how to be me?

Amy says: You are a chronically health-challenged person trying to integrate with people who have no idea — and no way of knowing — how hard you are working to experience the world as they do.

I'm going to be presumptuous and write you a prescription: to lean in and resist the constant urge to "pass." Life is easier — for you and for others — when you embrace the concept of self-care, which in your case is to be gentle with yourself, to fully and authentically be yourself, and to make sure that your own needs are met.

You also need to experience a connection with people who will not expect you to explain yourself. Join a cancer survivor support group. Researching your question, I've found a helpful online group: Cancersurvivors on Reddit.com. Reading through the postings, I see that there are other people out there who understand what you are going through and who will fully support the "new you."

Dear Amy: I've been teaching in post-secondary institutions for over 30 years. I've received thousands of course revaluations, and now, I get to "enjoy" ratemyprofessor.com.

It should be no surprise that "complainers" are the people most likely to participate in these rating services. I want to thank the website for something: Your responses to the complaint letters, often with humor, have helped me to stop focusing on the complainers and see the humor — not to mention recognizing the many non-complainers.

Amy says: Thank you for writing. I learned a long time ago that a few harsh or negative responses can take up more mental space than the many positive responses I receive.

I am sometimes thin-skinned — but to quote my late mother, who went to college and became a professor in her mid-50s after working in much more physically challenging, low-paying jobs: "Doing this sure beats having a real job."

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.