Ask Amy: Controlling wife has cut off relatives

Dear Amy: I've been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years and have two fantastic teenagers.

Unfortunately, we are cut off from our families because of my wife. She only gets along with her mother, no one else. She has not talked to her brother in years. She barely speaks to my family when we visit them.

She expects everyone to behave in a certain manner, and if they don't, she holds grudges against them. She brings up stuff from years ago that no one else remembers. A mention of anyone from my family leads to a fight and a chronological list of gripes.

I would like my children to meet their relatives, but she refuses to budge.

My family members are eager to move past any disagreements. They have apologized for things they might have said or done years ago, but because the apology was not word for word like my wife wanted, she refused to accept it.

I can't speak with my family without her taunting me. She also will throw in a taunt every couple of days for no specific reason. My parents both have died, but that does not prevent her from berating them in every fight she has with me.

Aside from this issue, everything else is fine. But after years of fighting, I am feeling very constrained. I am so tired. I just want to get past this.

Amy says: The behavior you describe is abusive. Through her controlling behavior, your wife has created a near-total estrangement from your relatives. She then continues to punish and isolate you, and sometimes taunts you — just because she wants to.

I'm going to take it as a given that the grievances that sparked this estrangement are not serious and happened many years ago. Apologies have been offered and rejected.

A couples counselor could help you two to change the way you communicate, but dominating and abusive people tend to reject therapy because their behavior serves their own purposes. If she won't go with you, I highly recommend professional counseling for you.

I also suggest that you seriously consider defying your wife. You should contact your family members as often as you want to, and visit with them if you are able. When your wife tells you, "It's my way or the highway," you should calmly respond: "I'm taking the highway. And if you love me and want to build a healthier relationship, you'll come with me. Things need to change."

Dear Amy: Every year for Christmas and my birthday, I have one friend that gives me a gift that I don't want or can't use.

The gifts that she gave me last year have been in the trunk of my car since December (my birthday is Dec. 27). I usually end up trashing the gifts because I would be too embarrassed to even regift them to anyone.

How do I tell her not to buy me anything this year without hurting her feelings?

Amy says: First of all, you should not "trash" any item that might prove desirable or useful to someone else. Donating these gifts to Goodwill or another nonprofit would at least keep them out of the landfill and would respect (in a minimal way) your friend's generous intent.

You should say, "Because my birthday is so close to Christmas, I feel overwhelmed with gifts. Can we start a new tradition? Instead of gifts, I'd love just a card. And let's plan to do something fun together. That's the only gift I need."

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.