Ask Amy: Dinner plans offer no just desserts

Dear Amy: I started two progressive dinner groups with other couples in our neighborhood. These dinners happen about three times a year for each group. It has been going on for six years. I call to coordinate the gatherings and let them pick the course they will make (we trade off making the main course).

My pet peeve is that some couples occasionally ask if they can ask another couple that I don't know to join us (these people don't live in the area). This is a walking progressive dinner because we all live close by, and that allows for safe drinking.

This new couple would provide a portion of the meal but bring it to one of the other couple's houses. I always say that it's not fair that the newcomers only have to bring a salad but the family providing the main course has to feed two extra people. This always ends up in an argument.

This has happened three times now. I caved twice, but the third time I stood my ground and it turned into a frosty eight-month disagreement.

I always get thanked after each dinner for putting this together because it takes persistence and we all have a great time, but how can I convince these women that inviting extra people was not my intention?

Amy says: You've put a tremendous amount of effort into these dinners, but you do seem quite rigid about the parameters. New couples can bring new life to the festivities.

Regardless of my view of how you are handling this, you have been extremely clear about the limitations you've imposed, and, given the tension you've all endured over this issue, I think you should assume that you've gotten your point across.

She dates men that are not in a healthy place, so the romances often quickly fizzle. After this happens, she will be in bed for days, taking part in unhealthy coping mechanisms. She will not seek help.

This has been going on for many years and occurs almost on a monthly basis. I've grown tired of tolerating this.

Other friends say we should stick it out because she has good qualities, but I say enough is enough. She needs to be told how her behavior affects the friendship, and boundaries need to be set when she acts like this.

What do you think?

Amy says: If your friend falls apart on a monthly basis, I wonder if she has a hormonal imbalance that can be treated. This is just a theory, but the main issue is your right and responsibility to respectfully let your friend know how her behavior affects you. So tell her.

Dear Amy: A writer complained about her boss inviting the office staffers to a potluck dinner. This person worried about the cost of bringing a dish for 25 people. If all 25 invitees brought 25 servings, they would end up with enough food for 625 people (25 x 25). That's not the way potlucks work.

Amy says: Your math is solid, but the point was that these employees need a raise, not a potluck dinner.