Ask Amy: Domestic hotline is a lifesaver

Dear Amy: I recently realized that my husband was emotionally abusive to me. The next day in your column, you printed the Domestic Violence hotline number.

Now I finally understand why I didn't divorce him long ago, as many had encouraged. I am 50 years old, educated, financially secure, loved by friends and family, but they didn't understand and I didn't understand until now.

I considered breaking up with him throughout our relationship but didn't know what was holding me back. I went to at least four counselors, and none of them suggested that I was being abused.

He was often sweet, cheerful, and kind to my elderly parents. But he never got a job or a driver's license, and he is a binge drinker.

On the day when my eyes were finally opened, he spent hours intimidating and interrogating me. He was yelling, giving ultimatums, making vulgar false and jealous accusations and blocking the door when I tried to leave.

When I called the hotline, the counselor gave me lots of information and asked me questions that helped me better understand the situation.

I know the things to watch out for now, like his recent new jealousy and potential stalking. I still have work to do to get him out of my life. But I am so grateful for your column and information. Thank you!

Amy says: I hope you will continue on your path, understanding that you still need help to stay safe as you leave this marriage.

Any person involved in an abusive or violent relationship can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. Go to Thehotline.org (or call 800-799-7233) for information regarding the nature of abusive relationships, as well as resources, ways to protect yourself and how to safely exit.

Dear Amy: I love to cook and have been cooking for family, friends and neighbors, mostly as a way of thanking them for help with errands. (I'm handicapped and unable to get out much.)

One friend of over 50 years has been a guest in my home numerous times and has taken home many leftovers.

I recently mentioned that I was making dinner for a neighbor. She asked what was on the menu, and I told her. Her response: "That sounds disgusting! Yuck!," followed by a gagging sound!

Needless to say, I was hurt, insulted and shocked, and I told her so. She did not apologize or try to make amends. But she had the nerve to ask when we would be getting together again.

Since then, I have been having a hard time speaking to her. I cook good, tasty and flavorful dishes, and to even suggest that I would make something "disgusting" was an insult.

Do I ignore her rudeness, demand an apology, or blow off a 50-year friendship?

Amy says: You already served up an appropriately spicy rejoinder to your friend's rudeness, and your honest reaction in the moment seems proportional to the offense.

The choices you offer yourself now, however, are too limited. Don't ignore, demand, or blow off this friendship just yet.

Consider a "follow-up." You might start by saying, "I want you to know that I'm still really bothered by your reaction to this. I'm also hurt that you haven't apologized."

If your friend wants to continue in a close relationship with you, she will drop whatever pose she is maintaining and dial into your feelings.

If she acknowledges her behavior and apologizes, then you must do the work of forgiving her in order to move on.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.