Ask Amy: Elder's inaction is stressful

Dear Amy: My father-in-law died about five years ago. My mother-in-law is 80 and has insisted on staying in their house. But she is not independent.

Anytime anything breaks or work needs to be done, she expects us to tend to it. She has never learned to drive, so she has to rely on friends to take her shopping and to doctors' appointments.

We are moving out of state soon, and she is coming with us. I've been telling her that she needs to start clearing out her house. We are a few months from moving, and she has done nothing.

We are busy preparing for this move ourselves. We both work full time. We have our own home, four acres of property to maintain, three horses and three dogs to care for. We can't help pack her stuff, as well. It's not that we don't want to help. We just don't have time.

I have told my husband that she will just have to stay put until she gets her place cleared out, and then we can come back and get her. Am I being too strict?

Amy says: It's a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human, but surely your own overwhelming burdens might give you some insight into what packing and moving might be like for an 80-year-old woman whose capabilities are far less than yours.

I understand that you are under stress, but it might ultimately be less stressful for you if you at least set up and supervise the sorting and packing process for your mother-in-law. Otherwise, you are setting her — and you — up for a far more stressful situation down the road, because you will wind up doing this from a distance.

It might be easier on everyone if a professional from outside the family assists with this very challenging task. You can contact your local Office on Aging for recommendations, or search for "senior transition services" in your area.

Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our 70s. We and most of our friends are a little forgetful. However, we have one friend who will ask the same question several times during a conversation. For example, the friend will ask about the health of a mutual friend, and then two minutes later ask the same question again.

Should we just smile and repeat our answer, or should we tell our friend we are worried by their memory lapses?

Amy says: If your friend has a partner or family member nearby, you should report your concern to them. A person with an intimate tie to your friend should accompany them for a checkup and assessment.

In the moment, you should deal with repeated questions by simply answering the question again. Saying, "You've already asked that; don't you remember?" could bring on further confusion.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.