Ask Amy: Ex-wife stirs up post-mortem drama

Dear Amy: I had a 15-year affair with a married man ("Marshall"), who then ended his marriage in order to be with me. Marshall and I continued our relationship for another four years before he died unexpectedly.

His siblings are handling the funeral arrangements. They have been very kind toward me. However, his ex-wife calls me a homewrecker and doesn't want me to attend the service, which she will be attending with her and Marshall's four grown children.

I understand her bitterness and anger toward me. However, I am also mourning the loss of someone I loved.

I don't want to cause a strain on Marshall's family or children, so I am asking for your advice. Should I be respectful to his ex-wife's wishes and not attend this service, or am I justified in attending, as well?

Amy says: Marshall's ex-wife has made it clear that your presence at the funeral will stress her, so if you truly don't want to cause a "strain on Marshall's family or children," then stay away.

However, exes don't have the right to control access to their former spouse's funerals. Divorce severs legal ties, even if it doesn't sever emotional ones. (And the ex needs to get the memo that the deceased also was a homewrecker.)

So yes, you are completely justified in attending if you want to. You should try to think about this from a vantage point several months in the future. If you decide to skip this service, will you regret it later?

Dear Amy: I would like to get your take on a recent incident at a dinner party.

The hosts had out-of-town guests who brought their dog with them. The dog proceeded to hump everyone at the party.

I asked the male owner if he would put the dog somewhere away from the guests. He refused. I then asked the female owner, and she ignored me.

At one point, a guest shouted, "Get off me!" I finally snapped and told her, "Your dog is obnoxious." She replied, "You can't speak to me that way, you are not my mother."

She then went crying to the hostess, saying she was going to leave. I had words with her, and then I left the party. None of the other guests said a word.

I do not socialize with the hosts anymore. They placated this couple at the expense of the guests. Did I overreact?

Amy says: First of all, I didn't realize that only a mother can tell someone their dog is obnoxious. Who knew?

Second, I feel sorry for the dog.

If your account of this evening is correct, then you were right to exit the party early. And yes, the hosts should have made an effort to protect all of their guests (and the dog), by asking that the dog's owners give their dog whatever attention it needed in order for the animal to settle down.

Dear Amy: A letter from the person who was served caffeinated coffee, even though she was assured it was decaf, stirred a memory for me.

I worked at a restaurant where the manager got so sick of folks complaining about getting caffeinated coffee, that we brewed only decaf. Those who asked for decaf got theirs from the orange-rimmed carafe, and those who asked for hi-test got it from the brown rim.

Amy says: Even though I have now lost all faith in the magical power of the brown rim, I think this is a genius solution.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.