Dear Amy: My daughter is 33, living on her own, thriving in her career and in most aspects doing very well. She lives in a different city, so I only see her several times a year. We talk on the phone often.
When she was a teenager, she had an eating disorder (anorexia). We intervened and took her to a therapist who worked with her for two years. She developed many tools to deal with her disordered eating.
Stress is a trigger and can send her into anxiety disorder behaviors. She is trying to relocate to another state, and I am concerned (mostly from her social media posts) that she may be dealing with disordered eating habits again. She looks very thin.
When she was in therapy her therapist had told the family members that we needed to let her make her own choices about food — to put her in control.
I fear she's dealing with her current stress in a way that is unhealthy. How do you suggest I best help without alienating her?
Amy says: Understand a basic truth: We all become most defensive when confronted with our deepest vulnerabilities. Expressing your concern in a loving way might trigger a defensive reaction.
Your daughter is an adult. She is responsible for managing her health. And yet, you are her mother, and if you are brave enough to talk to her, you will be demonstrating that you care, you see her eating disorder as an illness and not a character flaw and you are available for help if she needs it.
Tell her: "This is such a stressful time for you. I'm worried that your eating disorder could flare. How are you managing your health right now? Can I help you in any way?"