Ask Amy: Express support for struggling daughter

Dear Amy: My daughter is 33, living on her own, thriving in her career and in most aspects doing very well. She lives in a different city, so I only see her several times a year. We talk on the phone often.

When she was a teenager, she had an eating disorder (anorexia). We intervened and took her to a therapist who worked with her for two years. She developed many tools to deal with her disordered eating.

Stress is a trigger and can send her into anxiety disorder behaviors. She is trying to relocate to another state, and I am concerned (mostly from her social media posts) that she may be dealing with disordered eating habits again. She looks very thin.

When she was in therapy her therapist had told the family members that we needed to let her make her own choices about food — to put her in control.

I fear she's dealing with her current stress in a way that is unhealthy. How do you suggest I best help without alienating her?

Amy says: Understand a basic truth: We all become most defensive when confronted with our deepest vulnerabilities. Expressing your concern in a loving way might trigger a defensive reaction.

Your daughter is an adult. She is responsible for managing her health. And yet, you are her mother, and if you are brave enough to talk to her, you will be demonstrating that you care, you see her eating disorder as an illness and not a character flaw and you are available for help if she needs it.

Tell her: "This is such a stressful time for you. I'm worried that your eating disorder could flare. How are you managing your health right now? Can I help you in any way?"

She might respond, "Mom — stop." And that's OK. You can say, "I just want you to know that I've got your back. Always."

The National Eating Disorders Association (nationaleatingdisorders.org) offers helpful advice for families.

Dear Amy: My beloved husband died 20 months ago. Recently, a close family friend went to put flowers on the gravesite. She then posted a photo of the gravestone on Facebook.

I realize the gravesite is public, but am I wrong in thinking that she should not have shared the picture without asking permission?

Amy says: I can imagine how you must have felt to see a photo of this memorial marker on social media.

For me, this raises the question: Do we have to report every move we make? Can we not eat a meal or visit a friend's gravesite without posting about it?

You could tell your friend, "Thank you so much for honoring us with the flowers. However, I was sad to see that you posted a photo of the grave on Facebook. Seeing the photo without knowing it would be there was a shock. I wish you had asked me first."

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.