Dear Amy: My ex-husband and I had a difficult, drawn-out divorce after 26 years of marriage. But that was 10 years ago, and I have moved on with healthy activities and friendships/relationships.

Our children are adults now, and the ex and I are brought together more often by births, weddings, etc., but he continues to totally "ghost" me. He never greets me, never directs a word toward me or even looks at me.

My friends and daughter tell me, "Just ignore him. He wants nothing to do with you." But this is still hurtful to me after all this time.

I send him birthday cards, emails and notes once in a while. But I get nothing in response. How do you recommend I deal with this?

Amy says: Every time you reach out to your ex, you're triggering an expectation that your contact will inspire him to respond. You need to stop.

Yes, it is extremely rude for him to be in your presence at a family event and to act as if you don't exist. I suggest that you greet him verbally (if he doesn't respond, that's his problem) and behave neutrally otherwise. In short, ignore him.

Pay up

Dear Amy: As a retired minister, I am occasionally asked to lead funeral services or weddings. Most pastors do not "charge" a set fee for such services but typically receive an honorarium. In the past year, I've led several funerals and a wedding. I received nothing for one of the funerals, and less than $100 for the wedding.

Comparing that with the thousands spent on venue, clothing, entertainment, drinks and dinner, I could not help but feel as if my work was unvalued. The amount I received didn't even cover my gas.

Of course, no matter what I receive, I put my heart into these services. They demand hard work and lots of time. Still, I am willing to serve those whose financial resources are truly limited. Any suggestions?

Amy says: It seems to me that as a retired minister, you should be able to "charge" for conducting a service. You are essentially a pastor-for-hire, able to accept or decline requests that come your way.

My theory is that most people simply do not know how pastors are compensated for "extra" services, and they believe it is too awkward to inquire.

When you receive that first inquiry, you should state: "I charge XX to perform a wedding service. This includes meetings with the couple in advance of the ceremony, conducting the rehearsal and the wedding ceremony, itself."

For a funeral, you might state: "I normally charge XX to perform a funeral service. Would this present an additional hardship for you? If so, I would be willing to reduce or waive my fee."

Overall, I'm suggesting that you merely be kind and clear at the outset. You'd be doing families (and yourself) a favor.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.