Ask Amy: Filthy boyfriend messing up plans

Dear Amy: I am moving in with my boyfriend in a few months. He is everything I've ever wanted in a partner, and I'm excited to move into the small one-bedroom condo, which he owns.

I have only one concern — he is incredibly messy. We're talking piles of laundry all over the place, trash overflowing and monthslong expired food in the refrigerator.

I'm quite the opposite. I like everything neat and tidy. I know that I'm going to need things to be much, much cleaner to comfortably live there.

What's the right way to address this? And what is the right time to do so? I'm particularly conscious of the fact that I'm moving into his place. When I spend time there now, I feel like a guest.

Things definitely need to change.

Amy says: The best time to address these living conditions would have been the first night you stayed over at his bachelor pad.

Here's the screenplay:

He opens the door to his condo.

You: "Nope. Nope, nope, nope."

Him: "What's wrong?"

You: "I don't feel comfortable here."

But this didn't happen. Instead, you've chosen to continue to spend time there without ever honestly expressing how unacceptable this is to you, so he has every reason to believe that you're basically cool with his lifestyle.

And now, you've said yes to moving in — further confirmation for him that you're probably on the same page.

You should not move in together until you achieve clarity: Whose home will it be? If cohabiting, you should not continue believing that you are a "guest." And if you have been a guest all this time, take a good look around: This is how he welcomes guests into his home.

If things "definitely need to change," then you must establish this thoroughly before you move in. This should not be delivered as an ultimatum, but as you stating a simple truth: "I'm not willing to live the way you live. It's waaaaay too messy and dirty for me."

He (not you) could offer suggestions for how to address this (get his act together, hire a cleaner or perhaps even compensate you for cleaning), but until you stop dancing around and directly address this issue, the consequences flowing from your reluctance to be honest will be on you.

Dear Amy: My husband and I were invited to a friend's house for dinner.

I asked what to bring, and she asked for a bottle of wine and a dessert. When we arrived with the dessert and two bottles of wine, she informed me that she had ordered a takeout main course and wanted us to pay for our part of it.

In the past when we had dinner at one of our houses, the person doing the inviting provided the main course, so I was shocked and didn't know what to say.

We paid them for the food, but I am really disgusted that they treated us like this. When she invited us for dinner, she should have told me that she wanted us to pay, and we could have declined the invitation.

I don't know how to handle this.

Amy says: It seems to me that your friends owe you for their portion of the wine and dessert you provided.

You could mention this to your friend, but mainly you should use this as a heads-up for the next time they host. I don't see this as "disgusting" behavior, although it is revealing.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.