Ask Amy: Guilt from affair refuses to fade

Dear Amy: Twenty years ago, I had an affair that ended my marriage. I am extremely remorseful, and even though I have apologized to my ex (and he has forgiven me), I can't seem to forgive myself.

The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" plays on an endless loop in my head. I hate myself for betraying a man who was nothing but kind toward me.

I honestly feel like if I forgive myself, it's like saying that what I did was OK. I also feel like a huge hypocrite when conversations turn to infidelity. I feel that if I chime in about how wrong I think it is (because now I know better), I am just lying to everyone.

Will I ever get past this?

Amy says: I think you should ask yourself how walking around wounded, ruminating and hating yourself on an endless loop serves you or the world at large.

Here you are, soaking up two decades of compassion you might have been able to offer to others, if only you had accepted it toward yourself. Being on the hook keeps you right where you are, while even the man you cheated on has been able to forgive you and move forward.

Forgiving yourself isn't saying that what you did was OK. Forgiving yourself is saying the opposite: that you did a bad thing that hurt someone, and that this is a mistake you acknowledge and will never make again.

Have you cheated again in 20 years? I doubt it. So the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't apply to you.

Dear Amy: "Mary" and I have been very close friends for 50 years. We are both conflict-averse, so we have had very few "bumps" along the way.

Last year, we both dealt with emotionally difficult situations in our respective lives. We let each other down. Words were exchanged and as a result, Mary ended our friendship.

Shortly afterward, she had a significant medical issue, and I immediately reached out to offer my support. She responded with appreciation. I reached out a few more times, but got no response.

Several months later, a family member of hers passed. Again I reached out, and she was gracious in her reply. But she never initiates contact.

At this point, I believe that she is indifferent to me, and it's very sad and difficult for me to understand. Any advice?

Amy says: Mary has chosen to end the friendship. You have been extremely gracious and compassionate responding to her personal calamities, but your friendship still is over.

This marks the passing of a long friendship, and you should understand that mourning and grief are appropriate feelings to have.

Losing a long friendship is like experiencing a death, because much of your personal history is entwined with the other person. I hope you can reclaim your history and good memories of this friendship, while accepting the passing of its season in the sun.

If you feel better occasionally reaching out, you should — but you also must release and free yourself from any expectation.

Dear Amy: As an adopted person, I have found genealogy an extremely interesting way of learning about my families.

By adoption I am connected to many different branches on many trees. I recently connected with my grandfather, who came from Denmark at age 17. Other histories take me all over the world to places and people I would not have known about.

My outlook on my life has changed beyond measure.

Amy says: Your perspective is beautiful. I'm happy for you.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.