Ask Amy: Hate crime leaves aura of fear

Dear Amy: My wife and I are both retired Asian-American professionals. Several months ago, a homeless person in an outdoor market came up to my wife and spit hot coffee in her face.

My wife called the police, and they identified the man. He was not arrested, even though he has a record of inappropriate public activity and harassment. He also is mentally imbalanced.

Now my wife is afraid to go out in public without me. I need to find a way to have her feel safe without arming her.

Also, I'm concerned that if this mentally ill person attacks us, I will harm this mentally ill person, and I would be the one who sent to jail.

Amy says: The history of hate crimes against Asian Americans is heartbreaking. A recent survey suggested that up to one in six Asians have been targets of hate crimes, representing a dramatic rise in attacks during the pandemic.

I believe that the answer — to your safety and to your sense of well-being — lies in solidarity, activism and empowerment.

The COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act, passed last year, aims to empower communities to fight anti-Asian hate crimes. The organization Stop AAPI Hate (stopaapihate.org) has safety tips on its website. The Asian Mental Health Collective (Asianmhc.org) has a database of therapists who might work with your wife.

I also suggest contacting your local community center and seeing if there are self-defense classes or other groups your wife could join to experience community and solidarity. I also suggest that you do your best to advocate with the police as to what they are doing to assist your community.

Dear Amy: I am in a very awkward situation, and I want to handle it with grace, dignity and love.

I am dying of cancer. I also have a birthday coming up shortly. Everyone wants to celebrate this "milestone" birthday with a party and gifts.

I am happy to spend this time with the people I love and care about, but the gifts portion of this celebration makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I have four months to a year remaining (according to my doctor), and I would rather see this money put to a good use after my death.

Is there anything that I can say to express my gratitude at the thought of gifts, without actually receiving them? How can I make sure people know what my wishes are, without being or sounding ungrateful to these truly wonderful and thoughtful people?

Amy says: You already are handling your burden with abundant grace, through this expression of concern about others' feelings.

One way around the gift issue is to give guests a little task to perform: "Please do not bring material gifts to this celebration, but if you can, write a paragraph or two about a memory we've shared."

You also can ask people to donate to your favorite charity in your honor.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.