Ask Amy: In-laws ignore suicide

Dear Amy: Our son, who was 27, died by suicide three years ago. My husband and I remain traumatized and grief-stricken.

My in-laws live out of state, and they did nothing to acknowledge this tragic death, nor did their children (they are successful adults).

Last month, my in-laws told us they would be stopping in our city on their way to a summer vacation, and they wanted to go to our son's gravesite while they were here. Once they arrived, they made no acknowledgment of his death and instead talked about their recent acquisitions (a car, beach house and boat) and how excited they were about having these things.

I understand that we live in a grief-illiterate society, and that people don't know what to say, but this behavior was hurtful and insensitive. Support, especially for a traumatic "out of order" death, is vital to help SOS (survivors of suicide loss) parents cope, and they offered none.

I wish there was a way to express how insensitive and cruel their behavior was, but I don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions?

Amy says: I'm so profoundly sorry. My own family has suffered — and continues to grieve over — the loss of a young person to suicide. This loss changes you and other family members, alters your relationships and perceptions and basically seems to throw a filter over most interactions.

You are so right that we are a "grief-illiterate" society, but even when words fail, deeds count. Your in-laws didn't attend a service, didn't call you, didn't send a card. Then, upon seeing you three years later, they don't seem to have even inquired about how you are coping (asking how survivors are doing is an acknowledgment of their loss). And did they go to his gravesite? You don't say.

You wonder how to respond? Write a letter: "I know more about your new boat than you know about how we are coping with our terrible loss." Send it. Or don't send it. You likely understand that nothing you say will affect their perspective or behavior. But standing up on behalf of yourself and your son's memory might be a way for you to reclaim an experience of parenting that you need to have.

Dear Amy: Although I totally understand your enthusiasm for therapy to address a variety of issues, what do you do when this is not an option? I have friends who need therapy, but they simply refuse. No matter what I say or do, there's no budging anywhere. Any ideas?

Amy says: Therapy has been a transformative experience in my life (and many others). There are alternatives to therapy. Books, online seminars and decoding the wisdom of poets can help people who are motivated toward change.

The burden for you is accepting that you are powerless to help someone who doesn't want your help.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com