Ask Amy: Joke leaves hurt feelings

Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master's degree. My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation. I am grateful they both came, but my MIL made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree.

She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school.

She gave him a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments.

I told my husband how I felt (through tears), but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he wouldn't do it because he knew it made me upset.

I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now, and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but my feelings were still hurt. How could I explain this to her?

Amy says: Your husband's mother decided to make a big deal over him on the occasion of your graduation. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and in my opinion, sexist), and you could try to address your lingering sensitivity about this honestly, but carefully.

When you call, start by thanking her for making the journey to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, "Something's been bothering me, and because it's still on my mind, I thought I should try to talk to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that made it sound like you don't value my degree and my profession. I hope you understand that I'm sensitive because I've worked so hard to achieve this. Do you really feel that way?"

Give her a chance to respond, listen with intention and do your best to transition this encounter from a confrontation to a conversation.

Dear Amy: We are a family with multiple grandchildren. We are puzzled at Christmas and birthdays as to how to treat everyone fairly.

Should we give each family the same total value of gifts. Or should we give each family member the same value gift? Either way we feel it is not totally fair, because the number of children is not equal in each family.

Do you have any suggestions?

Amy says: My first suggestion is to amend your concept of fairness to include ideals that are more important than a price tag.

Did you raise your children encouraging them to compare the monetary value of gifts? Or did you assure them that, when treated with love and fairness things have a way of equaling out? I hope it's the latter.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.