Ask Amy: MeToo movement affects marriage

Dear Amy: Ever since the MeToo era, my husband does not initiate sex. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment.

When I want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like, but he never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something, it may be taken the wrong way.

He no longer tells jokes — he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn't want to be demeaning to women. He won't compliment me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress. He says that he doesn't want to be judgmental.

Other than that, we have a good relationship. We have great discussions about what's going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion).

I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share. My husband says he's sorry that he can't be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable anymore.

Do you have any suggestions?

Amy says: I must admit to being a bit baffled by your question. There are aspects to your account that make your husband's behavior toward you seem deliberately hostile, punitive and extremely passive-aggressive.

Or he is someone who has sincerely misunderstood the lessons of the MeToo movement and is so afraid of being "punished" that he has decided to completely shut off a side of his own personality and take your intimate relationship with it.

My instinct is with the former. Your husband seems to be engaging in a sort of guerrilla "backlash" against the MeToo movement. If my instinct is correct (and I could be wrong!), he is craftily inflating and co-opting MeToo standards to cover his actual motivation, which is to punish you — and perhaps women in general.

Alternatively, because your husband seems to be so anxious about possibly offending you (or others), it would be a great idea for you two to sit down with a marriage counselor to address his anxiety.

The goal should be for him to regain a sense of comfort regarding his right to be himself.

Dear Amy: My husband died 10 months ago. Many people have brought up the topic of dating. I find that it's insensitive.

What is an appropriate response to, "When are you going to date again?"

Amy says: I think you might want to consider a version of: "That's a very surprising question; I don't really know how to answer it."

Sometimes, a person can flag disdain for a question by responding, "Why are you asking?" In your case, I think this response could perhaps invite more unfortunate suggestions and queries.

Dear Amy: I am appalled at your response to the writer whose friend faced numerous life-threatening assaults by her significant other.

If the writer doesn't intercede, her friend will eventually die by the hand of her abuser. She should contact the police, even if her friend ends up not pressing charges.

Amy says: Because of her extreme frustration, the writer had decided to drop her friend. I urged her to continue with the relationship, given that the friendship might be an important lifeline for the abused woman.

While I do appreciate your alarm, one concern I had was that if the writer called the police, the friend might sever the friendship. The friend should be the one to contact the police.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.