Ask Amy: Mom's behavior leaves youngster adrift

Dear Amy: My 8-year-old niece is having trouble coping with and sorting out her feelings. She is confused by her mother's (my sister's) erratic behavior.

One moment, her mother makes scenes over her two children not loving her, and then the next moment she is sending them out of the house on their own in a strange town while she spends time with her boyfriend (four boyfriends so far since the marriage breakup a year ago).

My niece has lost her self-confidence and blames herself for any failure or frustration. She is very bright, but her schoolwork is suffering.

My brother-in-law (the girl's father) would like appropriate books to read to her. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Amy says: A great source for recommendations is your child's local public or school librarian, but I also have some ideas.

The first recommendation is for your niece's dad and other adult family members to develop a regular practice of reading to her and her sibling. These bright children might be competent readers, but family reading time is when kids draw in close and share the slowed-down experience of being read to.

Childmind.org has a list of book recommendations for children who are struggling. One that this family might want to read together is "What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety" by therapist Dawn Heubner (2005, Magination Press).

This also is a good age to start reading the Harry Potter series. Harry's journey starts with his escape from a neglectful household; children can identify with his worries and cheer his wit and bravery.

Also consider E.B. White's classic "Charlotte's Web" for a gentle and charming lesson in the pleasures and burdens of responsibly caring for other creatures.

I hope you and other family members will do everything possible to protect and support these children. Legal recourse (the mother losing parenting privileges) and therapy for both children (and for their dad) might be necessary.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been happily married for more than 30 years. Our three children are grown and gone, and we are enjoying our empty nest.

We have two well-behaved dogs that we adore, and we share responsibility for the dogs' care, much as we shared our parenting duties.

However, my husband has taken up a new hobby — birdwatching — which means that he is gone on excursions with various groups on many weekends.

I have no problem with his being gone (leaving Saturday morning, returning Sunday evening), but there is an assumption that I will stay at home and take care of the dogs whenever he decides to leave — often at the last minute.

Sometimes I want to fly away from home, too, but I'm stuck here. We both are still working, and our weekends are valuable. Can you give us some ideas for how to handle this?

Amy says: With two dogs, spontaneous getaways are pretty much out of the question, but my strongest suggestion is that you and your husband find two sources of responsible and reliable dog care — perhaps a sitter and also a kennel — and that you and he switch off months when you are responsible for arranging and paying for dog care if you are away.

For those times when your husband leaves you holding the doggy bag, he could compensate you for the cost he would pay an outside source for weekend dog care. This would recognize the responsibility you are assuming; you might choose to use the extra money to fund your own flyaway weekends.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.