Ask Amy: Mom's will poses a dilemma

Dear Amy: My stepfather had two children, and my mother had three. All our now adults. After our stepfather died, my mother changed her will so that all the money she had inherited from him would go to her biological children (including me), instead of sharing it among all five.

Two weeks before our mother died, she told my sister (the executor of her will) that she was thinking of changing the will to include everyone. But she died suddenly before she could do this.

Should we children that inherited the entire estate split the inheritance with the stepchildren? They already know they were left out of the will, so we are not sure it would fix the divisive dynamics. Is there any way to heal this?

Amy says: There's a lot of missing information here. For starters, your mother mentioned wanting to change her will, but she didn't disclose specifics for how she wanted the money shared.

You don't say whether your siblings agree with the idea of sharing the estate. It is their right to hold onto their inheritance, just as you have the right to share yours.

And, you don't disclose any information about your stepfather's estate. If the property he left to your mother was amassed while they were together, that's different than possessions that might have come down through his family. In my opinion, you and your siblings should make an effort to recognize your step-sibling's desire to inherit property that belonged to their father before the marriage.

But your effort to do the right thing might not change any negative dynamics that exists. Do your best to walk the most ethical path, while being realistic about the emotional fallout. And before you do anything, it is imperative that you three siblings speak with a lawyer about this.

My son's fiancée is wondering if she should invite Randall's wife to be a part of the wedding party, as well, even though she doesn't like her (in fairness, very few people do). The fiancée thinks it might be awkward if she's left out.

I've tried to tell her that this is HER wedding, and she shouldn't feel obligated to do anything she does not want to do. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this.

Amy says: You are correct. The bride and groom have the right — and responsibility — to plan and host their wedding according to their preferences.

And yet, weddings are the public celebration of the joining of two families. One way to integrate two families is to be deliberately inclusive. Perhaps this sister-in-law can be assigned a role other than bridesmaid. (Doing a reading, perhaps.)