Ask Amy: Momzilla threatens to stomp on wedding

Dear Amy: My daughter is engaged to a great guy. She is finishing college and heading to grad school, so the wedding likely is 18 months away.

I like the groom, but he has some strong opinions about the wedding. He wants a small wedding with only clergy, the couple and their parents present. Also, he wants to have the wedding in his home state, in the Midwest. (We live in the West.)

When my daughter has noted that the bride and her family traditionally organize the wedding, his response is: "But it's my wedding, too!" When I mention hiring a wedding planner — at our expense — he disagrees.

My compromise is a wedding in our city, with a second reception in his hometown with his family or him in charge. He is OK with this, but he still insists the wedding should involve only five people. This negates the attendance of family on both sides.

Must I become Momzilla, or is there a way to move forward with concessions and compromises on both sides? What if my daughter decides to leave him in charge? Would it reflect anything of our family?

More worrisome, if this an example of decision-making between them, should I recommend premarriage counseling?

Amy says: I agree with you that there is trouble on the horizon, and because you are the person who has presented a laundry list of problems, I'll start with you.

You dangle the threat of becoming a Momzilla, but I'd say you already are stomping over this celebration, spewing your mighty tongues of fire.

Planning a wedding is a primary step in planning a life together. Lay off. Let the marrying couple plan the wedding they want to have, wherever they want to have it and however they want to have it.

If you'd like to host and pay for a reception in your hometown afterward, you can plan it, choose the champagne and flowers and have it reflect your family's preferences and taste.

Yes, the bride's mother is often extremely invested in how her daughter will tie the knot, but you might have to consider this episode as practice for you to learn how to accept choices that you don't like, including the possibility that your daughter is letting her fiancé dominate the proceedings.

Yes, premarital counseling would be helpful — definitely for them. And also for you.

Dear Amy: I have a dear friend with a heart of gold who will help anyone in need.

She is involved with "John," who lost his job when he was charged with sexual harassment. She is allowing him to stay at her house, enjoy her food and amenities, even though he has his own apartment.

I live across the parking lot in the same townhouse complex as my friend, and when I am relaxing on my balcony, I can see her front door. I'm not spying on her or John, but twice I've seen him bring another woman into her home while she's at work.

Should I tell her what's been happening?

Amy says: If you'd seen this man dining with another woman in town, I would suggest that you keep it to yourself. But if he is bringing other people into her home, then she should be told.

You can say, "Hey, I know this is not my business, but I do want you to know that I've seen people other than John coming into your apartment while you're at work."

After that, let her handle this, if she chooses to.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.