Ask Amy: Nosy friend is a pain after surgery

Dear Amy: I had major surgery on my back last week.

The morning of the surgery, I posted on social media: "Wish me luck, I'm having back surgery today." My friends wished me luck, sending their prayers and positive thoughts.

A friend with whom I worked 35 years ago asked, "What happened? Fill us in. What is wrong with your back? Need details!" I ignored that.

They sent me a card. I thanked them via private message. That generated more nosy questions: "Is this why you stopped running? What happened? Did this happen suddenly? Are you in a lot of pain?"

This really rubbed me the wrong way. No one else had to know all the "deets." I was miserable from side effects from anesthesia and pain meds. I was abrupt and replied tersely that it was not the former leg injury, it was not sudden and that I'd been in pain for a while. I didn't give them more details.

I wanted to say, "What, are you writing a book?" But I didn't want to get confrontational while I was crabby and in pain. What does one say to nosy people asking for details on a personal situation?

Amy says: The complication regarding sharing personal news on social media is that once you put your bulletin out there, you can't control how other people interpret your news, respond to it or share it with others.

Given that you want to control how people respond, you could have been more specific in your original posting: "Wish me luck. I'm having back surgery today. I'd appreciate your good thoughts, but I am not supplying details just now. I'll check back in during my recovery."

And then turn off Facebook until you feel well enough to cope with questions. And remember this: Just because someone asks a question on social media doesn't mean that you have to answer it.

Dear Amy: I have been divorced from my ex-husband for 22 years. Is there a standard as to how I should pay my respects to my ex's relatives when one of them dies?

While I was married, I was very close to all of his relatives. As many of them are entering into their later years, I'm wondering if it is appropriate to attend their viewing and funeral services.

It would be easy to say that I'm there for my adult children, given that these people would be their aunts, uncles and cousins, but I don't want to put anyone in a weird situation.

You were close to these family members while you were married, but because you don't mention any relationship after that, I'm concluding that you haven't stayed close to them since your divorce.

If you have stayed in touch with these people during these past two decades, and if you have a cordial relationship with your ex-husband (and his current spouse, if applicable), then you could consider attending any services in person, especially if your adult children would like to see you there.

However, if you have not kept in touch with your former husband's parents and siblings through the years, then you should pay your respects through sending a note to your former husband and any surviving relatives you were close to.

Recognize this loss to your children and encourage them to attend any celebrations in person, and — if they get a chance — to verbally pass along your expression of sympathy.