Ask Amy: Parents ignore gay partner

Dear Amy: I'm an out and proud gay woman. Two years ago, I met a wonderful girl. We had an instant connection and started dating.

After initially sneaking around, she told her parents about us. Her parents are traditional, old fashioned, "my way or the highway" people. Things were uncomfortable for her. I was never spoken about or acknowledged; they simply pretended that I don't exist.

Her mother seems to be trying to be open. She and I exchange small talk over social media, but her father still won't acknowledge me. I attended a party where they also were present, and he ignored me the entire night.

I have done a lot to try to present myself respectfully to him. I've purchased Christmas gifts for them, baked pastries, done favors, and I've never gotten even a "hello."

I know from experience that it takes time for parents to come to terms with having a gay child, but I'm disheartened that this has gone on this long. What should I do?

Amy says: For now, I suggest that you cease any campaign to win them over. You should be patient while your girlfriend continues to gauge her parents' rejection and find ways to cope.

This is exhausting, emotional work that places an unfair burden on your girlfriend, but with few family allies, she likely wants to try to maintain a relationship with her folks. A therapist would be very helpful to you both.

I read through a 2021 study focusing on how LGBTQ adults maintain relationships with parents who reject their identity.

The adult children take on the heavy burden for figuring out how to manage these family conflicts through avoidance (don't ask, don't tell), acceptance (they accept the underlying strain but decide to stay bonded with the parents) and boundaries (setting significant boundaries with the parents in order to manage rejection while staying bonded).

In your case, the mother might become an ally. You two should spend time with her, in order to normalize your relationship. The father might never come around, and I hope you both can come to view his rejection as entirely his loss, as you choose to continue to love one another, regardless.

Dear Amy: I want to ask if I'm being too uptight or if I have a right to feel upset regarding my wife and her ex.

We have been married for almost six years. They have been divorced for eight years and share three teens/young adults.

He gets her very expensive gifts for Christmas, her birthday or "just because." This really bothers me, and I don't feel it is acceptable nor appropriate. (He is remarried, as well.)

I am 60, and my wife is 45. Her ex is a couple of years younger than she is.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this and wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Amy says: I'm often asked if people get to feel their feelings. Yes, you do!

The burden here is for you to examine your feelings and describe them cogently to your wife. ("This is a boundary issue and a power move on his part; it makes me feel insecure.")

She should not dismiss your feelings, but she should get a chance to explain her motivations in accepting these gifts.

Gift-giving can be a sign of intimacy, but if she explains that accepting these expensive gifts is a way for her to redistribute some of her ex's wealth, I wonder if you would feel differently about them.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.