Ask Amy: Reader reflects on Amy’s advice

Dear Readers: This is my final week of writing this column. To mark the event, I’m re-running some memorable Q&As. Today I’m sharing a letter from a reader whose question was first published in 2019. Her update follows the original Q&A.

Dear Amy: About five years ago, I completed a Ph.D. under the guidance of an amazing woman, “Daisy.” She had a truly transformational impact on my life, and I owe her a huge debt.

We formed a close bond, and she introduced me to her husband and daughter. After graduation, we’ve gotten together for coffee or lunch about once a year.

Here is my quandary: I have recently found out that six months ago, her daughter was in an accident and is now paralyzed from the waist down. I desperately want to reach out to Daisy and her daughter but am unsure how to do so.

Do I mention the accident, or do I simply reach out to ask her for lunch and see if she brings it up?

Amy says: You should definitely reach out, and you should express your sympathy and concern.

Here’s a start: “Dear Daisy, I was so saddened to learn of your daughter’s accident. I am so grateful for your mentorship and friendship to me over the years. Please know that I am thinking about all of you now. I’ll be in the area soon and would love to see both of you again, if it’s possible.”

Dear Amy: You encouraged me to reach out and reminded me that in times of stress and grief, people tend to withdraw from others for fear of overreaching or embarrassment, or saying the wrong thing, when actually we need to step forward and be there for our friends and colleagues.

I did reach out and met up with Daisy, and we had a wonderful catch-up and continue our relationship.

But perhaps more important, your advice on that day, and in every other column you have published, echoes the same themes: steady, compassionate friendship; the importance of self-care, self-love and boundary setting; a recognition that sometimes things are outside of your power, and your need to learn to make peace with them.

Your words in your response to me, and those you’ve provided to so many others, have guided my approach to the world, mainly that “you just show up.” That might be physically in helping a friend pack and move boxes while clearing out a parent’s home, or emotionally in giving a call to a friend you’ve been thinking about, extending an olive branch to an estranged family member, or showing up for yourself by removing toxic influences from your life.

Showing up, when compassion, empathy, love and support are the motivating factors, is seldom the wrong response. And even when it is, at least you know you tried.

(From 2020) Dear Amy: I am frequently approached by men of other races that try to get my phone number. How do I tell them I am not interested, without offending them? I stick to my own kind.

Amy says: It is fairly easy to say, “No thank you.” But if you truly want to repel these interested men, you could tell them the truth: “No offense, but I’m a racist.”