Ask Amy: Reconnected couple hit rough spots

Dear Amy: I have reconnected with an old flame. We had a three-year relationship that ended 10 years ago. We did not stay in touch after our breakup, and we both moved on with other people for longer relationships.

We each broke up with our partners in 2022. Since then, we have been seeing each other regularly and talking or texting every day. It has been great!

We both have matured. Our relationship is easygoing, fun and mutually respectful. However, there have been two periods over these past months where he has been upset with a situation unrelated to me.

The first time, I knew he was upset, but without warning he did not contact me for five days. I was annoyed by this. I asked him to be better at communicating with me when he feels this way.

Last week he received bad news about his job and became very stressed. He verbalized a need for space, which I understand and respect. I stated that I would like him to check in once a day with me. He has checked in by text, but he is not updating me on how he feels or asking me how I am doing during these brief exchanges.

I want him to have space, but after a week of this, I definitely want to return to normal communication. Should I say something, or should I give this more time? If so, how much time?

Amy says: Your guy is following your instructions to check in, which tells you that he has some awareness of your needs and that he wants to please you. But his texts don't contain the wording or content you would prefer.

You have identified an extremely important issue regarding how you two relate. His reaction to stress is to withdraw. Your instinct is to share.

I think you should approach this current phase with an open attitude. Let him take however long it takes for him to process his stress.

Pay attention to the way he comes back to you. Will he choose to discuss the reasons behind his stress and withdrawal? Will he accept your commiseration and comfort? Or will he simply want to move on?

Intimacy requires that partners be honest about their vulnerabilities and needs. This is an essential component of the trust that partners share.

Dear Amy: I live in a small college town and work at the college. Each Christmas, my partner and I like to host a big party.

Being in a small community it is difficult to invite some and not all. To avoid an awkward situation, I have generally held the policy that I don't invite any coworkers with whom I work directly, but I would like to invite the two I consider friends.

How would you advise me to handle this? The situation stresses me out enough that I have considered not hosting anything at all.

Amy says: It's normal to have friends at work, but you should make sure to handle these friendships (and any social invitations) extremely discreetly while at the office.

Invite these two friends (issue the invitation outside of the office), and ask them not to discuss the event at work.