Ask Amy: Regift reveals uncomfortable dynamic

Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family, and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot).

A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house, and while cleaning, I've seen the handbag in her closet.

This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her. I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.

A part of me wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly "regift," which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.

I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?

Amy says: You are not obliged to prove your affection for your son and his wife by cleaning their house. And even though your generosity is evident and your motivations understandable, you should not purchase a gift you can't afford.

You are tempted to retaliate in some way for this embarrassment, but sarcasm or humiliation is not a mature response.

I hope you can summon the courage to calmly approach your daughter-in-law. Tell her, "This is embarrassing, but I want you to know that on Christmas, you regifted to me the bag I gave to you two years ago. This has made me feel sad and somewhat unappreciated. I've tried my best to get to know you, but I wish our relationship was on a better footing."

One-way street

Dear Amy: Five years ago, my husband and I moved to a new town. We began inviting folks to play on our tennis court, then started a bridge group at our home and now have a great circle of friends.

But we have received almost no invitations from any of these folks. I've been told discreetly it's because most of our new friends live in more-modest homes and feel they cannot entertain the same way we can.

How can I communicate (without fishing for an invite) that those things don't matter, and that I'd appreciate a call to meet for a meal somewhere or even a cup of coffee? I feel like our social life is a one-way street that only leads to our house.

Amy says: You could attempt to open this up by asking (at your bridge group, for instance), "Is anyone else here able or willing to host one of our game nights?"

However, you should also understand that, no matter how well-liked you are or what values you attempt to convey, some people simply never host anything. They can be very grateful for your hosting, but don't issue invitations to coffee, don't invite people to their homes and won't call you up to join them on a walk through the park.

Sometimes this is because of a real or perceived difference in your socioeconomic status, and sometimes this is because they just don't extend themselves in this way.

If you feel burned out, you should take a breather from hosting, which might inspire others to step up.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.