Ask Amy: Sobriety is more than giving up booze

Dear Amy: My wife and I always have been social drinkers. Get-togethers at weddings, holidays, concerts, sporting events, etc., have featured alcohol.

While I can have a couple of drinks and stop, when it comes to my wife — not so much. And while sometimes stupidly funny when we were younger, the results have become frequently embarrassing as we've aged.

One night when she went way over the edge, I filmed her. The next day, I sent the video to her, and told her that I no longer wished to be a part of that lifestyle.

I dumped all the alcohol in the house, and neither of us has had a drink since. I hardly miss it. She had no trouble quitting, either, but mentally it has been very challenging for her.

Alcohol was her social lubricant. It is what allowed her to get past her social anxiety and self-esteem issues. Now she either doesn't attend events at all, or sometimes we leave early because she is so unhappy.

How do I get her to see that she can still enjoy these events without using alcohol as a crutch?

Amy says: Your wife has not dealt with the underlying reasons she used alcohol in the first place. In recovery circles, her challenge might be called "dry drunk syndrome." Her crutch is gone, and now she is limping along, trying to function without it.

Even though your wife gave up drinking quickly, prompted by the videotaped shame of seeing what alcohol abuse was doing to her (and propped up by your subsequent sober support), she still would benefit from seeing an addiction specialist, therapist and/or by attending meetings with others in recovery.

Spending time talking with others who also struggle to "white knuckle" their way through recovery might help her to understand her anxious responses and to feel less alone.

I hope you'll be patient and supportive as your wife continues in the life-changing process of recovery.

A surprise split

Dear Amy: My partner and I have broken up. I was blindsided. I thought he was happy with me, although he was struggling with depression and undiagnosed (but obvious) ADHD.

I adjusted my expectations and behavior to accommodate him because I also have depression, so I understand the need for flexibility. I never hounded him about not wanting to go out.

I was sad and confused when he said he wanted to break up. I started crying and asked him why. He answered that I was being selfish if I wanted him to stay with me as a couple. He said he felt trapped. I didn't expect to hear that, either.

I've always seen myself as a giving, loving person. I never imagined that anyone would ever call me selfish. That hurt almost as much as the breakup.

Can loving someone be a selfish act?

Amy says: The way I would interpret your ex's "selfish" statement refers to the old aphorism, "If you love something, let it go."

Your former partner is saying that he feels trapped in the relationship, and that (in his opinion) it would be selfish of you to urge him to stay in a relationship that he no longer wants to be in.

And ... he's right. In that context, pressuring someone to hold onto a relationship can be a selfish act. But this doesn't mean that you're a selfish person.

You are on the unfortunate receiving end of a depressed man who might be spiraling. As hurt as you are, it would be kindest to offer to keep the door open to friendship.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.