Dear Amy: My spouse and a close friend of ours recently had a heated argument that involved philosophic and theological differences. The conflict left my spouse unwilling to discuss the subject any further, and our friend was hurt and dismayed by the lack of willingness on my spouse's part for a continued debate on the issue.

Obviously, I am loyal and supportive to my spouse, but I am feeling caught in the middle and am trying hard to stay neutral. But the friend is feeling betrayed, and because of that, my neutrality has started to feel uncomfortable.

Do I say something to the friend? To my husband? I hate to see the friendship break up over this.

Amy says: Your spouse claims to want to "move on," which I take to mean pretending this never happened, awkward as that might be.

If that is the case, then I wonder why your friend is left feeling betrayed. Engaging in a "continued debate" is not everyone's idea of a useful or productive way to conduct a relationship, especially if the parties don't communicate effectively or respectfully when they are discussing their differences.

I suggest that you examine your own perspective. You should feel comfortable as long as you basically urge both parties in the same direction: "I hope you two can work things out to the extent that at the very least you agree to disagree so that we can all move forward in our friendship. That's the most important thing to me."

Feeling left out

Dear Amy: My fiancé and I have lived together for 25 years. I opened my door to his kids and thought we were all family, but I found out that's not the case.

My fiancé's grandson died suddenly, and in the death notice, my fiancé's deceased wife was mentioned (as she should have been), and all the aunts' husbands were mentioned. But nowhere was I mentioned as a loving partner to my fiancé.

His children have not supported my concern about it, and I have since closed my door to them. Am I wrong to be so hurt?

Amy says: You are not wrong to be hurt by this. I imagine that you feel you have been deleted from the family fold. I urge you, however, to consider your reaction to this slight. You have made your stand during a tragic time in this family's life.

Ideally, after noticing the slight, you would have waited until the dust had settled somewhat and then talked to your fiancé, who absolutely should have expressed his disappointment over this exclusion.

I'm curious why you have been engaged for so long. I wonder what role, if any, your partner's children might have in pressuring your partner not to remarry. If that's the case, then your status in this family has been revealed in a particularly painful way.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.