Ask Amy: Wedding is a test of hypocrisy

Dear Amy: I have an extended family member whose son is gay. I have visited him and his live-in partner on several occasions, and always have had a pleasant time.

There has been some talk recently about the two of them getting married. Although I wish them both the best, my beliefs preclude me from attending the wedding.

I worry that by not attending I will damage the relationship with my relative. But if I were to attend, I would feel like a hypocrite.

Have you any thoughts, suggestions or advice?

Amy says: It seems hypocritical (to me) that your core values sanction — or at least tolerate — a homosexual relationship with two men cohabiting, but you cannot tolerate these two sanctifying their loving relationship through the more legally permanent and meaningful state of marriage.

If you don't want to attend this wedding, then don't. But don't raise your objections to this union — just RSVP that, unfortunately, you won't be able to make it, and wish the couple all the best.

If you don't sit in judgment of this couple, your relationship with these family members shouldn't be adversely affected. I hope you're capable of that.

Dear Amy: My fiancée and I have been engaged for four years. Admittedly, this is longer than I would have liked, but outside factors — including the pandemic and employment situations — have delayed the wedding date.

While my fiancée and I have been able to accept these delays, it clearly has irritated my mother. She has repeatedly poked and prodded about our wedding plans.

The most recent incident has made me question how to balance my relationship between my mother and my future wife. Mom compiled a list of all the family members' birthdays and distributed it at Thanksgiving dinner. My fiancée was the only person there without her name on the list.

When I asked my mother about it, she told me, "Well, you're not married, so technically she's not part of the family."

Being left out upset my fiancée, and it hurt me to find out that my mother would purposely exclude her. What, if anything, can I do to address this snub?

Amy says: Your mother's act was unkind, especially because she unveiled this list at a holiday event where she knew your partner would be present.

You should push back emphatically that you are hurt, disappointed and embarrassed. Remind your mother that this woman is your life partner and insist that your mother respect her. When — or if — you have a wedding is up to the two of you.

In terms of your fiancée, convey to her that your family, like all families, is complicated. People make mistakes and disappoint one another. Emphasize that you two are a team and that you'll tackle your highs and lows together.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.