Ask Eric: Abusive friend now wants help

Dear Eric: My wife and I had a good friendship with a single woman, “Barb,” for about 20 years. She was always a bit problematic because, beside relationship troubles, she had health issues, but we were supportive, and we all had fun together.

As we got older, she became more negative and needy. My wife became seriously ill in her mid-60s, and Barb started showing up at odd times at our apartment to comment on my wife’s symptoms — “She’s gained so much weight!” “Her color looks so bad!” — while also asking for rides to her own doctor appointments, etc.

This negative behavior became our only interaction. Fortunately, my wife made a complete recovery, but we distanced ourselves from Barb until we weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.

Now, after six years of silence, we have started to get texts from her apologizing to us talking about her health issues and saying how much she loves us. Both of us feel manipulated, but also a bit guilty because she undoubtedly needs help, has no family and has alienated other friends.

My wife is such a caring person and feels more guilty than I that we aren’t renewing our contact with Barb, but my feeling is we should continue to be silent to her overtures. Thoughts?

Eric says: Talk with your wife about the way you’re thinking about this situation, so that it doesn’t become an issue between the two of you. If she’s more inclined to help Barb, this conversation gives the two of you the opportunity to set boundaries and gives you the opportunity to support her in holding those boundaries instead of using them against her.

As for Barb, if she’s reinitiating contact after six years of silence, it’s likely she’s in a bind and running out of options. That doesn’t obligate you to help, but compassion may win out over old hurts.

Compassion doesn’t have to come without conditions, however. You can tell Barb what you found objectionable in the past and set expectations for the relationship going forward. This is what we’ll accept; this is what we won’t; this is how we can help; this is beyond our means right now. She can either accept it, and your help, or she can move on.

Dear Eric: In a few weeks, my sons, 22 and 20, will be coming for a visit. Both have stated that they do not wish to renew their rental lease. I love my boys. I would welcome them with open arms. But there has to be rules and boundaries. Is asking them to work part time while they pursue their dreams and a small amount of rent too much?

Eric says: It’s not too much. Moreover, you shouldn’t accept anything less. Just as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good housemates.

I’m curious how we jumped from them visiting to them moving in with you, but I presume this is the result of many longer, more involved conversations.

It’s wise for them to try to save money on rent by staying with family. But, as adults, they can and should contribute to household expenses. And they should have a plan for how long they will stay and how staying helps them achieve their financial goals. It’s fine to ask them about it. Indeed, your questions may prompt them to think through things they haven’t yet.

Also, their plans should align with yours. It will be better if you all can come up with a plan that works for everyone.

It’s also fine to ask specific questions about the nature of “pursuing their dreams.” Maybe this means getting a degree or entering an apprenticeship that doesn’t pay well. Saving money on rent makes sense, but so does building skills from part-time work and good financial management.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.