Ask Eric: Enough ‘woe is me’

Dear Eric: Several months ago, a friend’s boyfriend broke up with her. She is devastated over this. Even though he treated her very poorly by saying she is stupid and is an embarrassment, she still loves him.

She continues to speak to him, even helping him out. She calls me to tell of the latest hurtful thing he has done. I have told her I wouldn’t tolerate being involved with a negative person like that, but she can’t bring herself to cut ties with him.

I’m frustrated with the continuing “woe is me” conversations. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Eric says: It’s OK to set a boundary and stick to it. Tell her something like: “I love you, I care about you and I can’t stand by while you get hurt. It’s not your fault; your ex-boyfriend is mistreating you. But when we talk about you continuing to engage with him, I get frustrated because nothing changes and you deserve better. So, I can’t talk about him with you anymore. Remember that I’m here to help you at any time, but rehashing the last bad thing he did doesn’t work for me.”

Dear Eric: My spouse recently died, leaving me with a substantial financial estate. Now I have to decide what to do with it.

We had no children (we were a male couple). My spouse had three younger brothers, two of them still living, and I feel closer to those two than to any of my own relations. (I am an only child.)

The youngest brother and I have been friends for years, and he has two children and two grandchildren, all of whom I am very fond of. I am seriously considering leaving a large part of my estate to that brother’s children and grandchildren.

The oldest brother is childless. The problem is the long-deceased third brother, with whom I was not close. I have never had a good relationship with his widow, and I have a friendly but not close relationship with his three children.

I am concerned about possibly causing problems within my spouse’s family by favoring one brother’s family over the other family. However, it is my money now, and I don’t want to give it to people toward whom I feel no warmth. Any suggestions of what I should do?

Eric says: We can’t control what people do with bequests or how families react. So, if your spouse’s children, with whom you aren’t close, feel some entitlement to an inheritance from you, that’s on them to deal with.

You’re deciding based on your emotional reality and the relationships that you have, which is absolutely fair. Ideally, bequests shouldn’t be seen as “repayment” for familial kindness, but they’re also not owed simply because you see each other at the holidays.

I’m curious about your suspicion that your spouse would have divided things more equally. That’s something that you should drill down on. If he had strong feelings about the way the money should be passed down, perhaps he would have talked it through with you. If he did do that, do you feel you owe it to him to honor that wish?

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.