Ask Eric: Friend dragged into divorce

Dear Eric: I have a 30-year-old friendship from high school. I am a woman, and my friend is a man. He got married to a smart, driven, friendly partner. She meshes well with our core group. They have been married for 13 years and have a 5-year-old.

The wife recently called me to tell me she wants a divorce and has proof of him hanging out with single females. She also told me he’s abusive, which is concerning and shocking.

In trying to be supportive, I said I’d reach out to my contacts for divorce attorneys she could speak to. (I used to work in the legal field.)

I don’t know if that was the right decision. I feel like I inadvertently put myself on her side (if he’s been unfaithful, I am on her side).Do I support the wife and provide her a contact, confront my friend or butt out?

Eric says: While giving her a contact isn’t totally neutral, it’s not the same as, say, volunteering to represent her yourself. So, I don’t see this as choosing sides so much as helping out a friend.

After providing the contact, however, you’ll want to draw a boundary around other issues relating to the divorce. Part of that also involves talking to your high school friend about what’s going on. You can tell him how you’re being drawn in, what you’ve done about it and how you plan to move forward as this plays out.

You write that the allegations of abuse are concerning and shocking, as they should be. Try to speak more of the concern for your friend’s wife and child than the shock. There may come a time when you can hold your friend accountable for his actions, but right now, the priority is making sure his family is safe. If confronting him isn’t going to further that goal, it can wait.

The speaker system isn’t good enough, so they won’t go to the theater; the bed in our mountain home was too high; the meal I served wasn’t hot enough. On and on it goes.

The woman has asked if I still like her and why we don’t see as much of each other. She added that several couples have dropped them, and they don’t know why.

I replied that we like different theater and different restaurants. I said they seem to have high standards. I am uncomfortable being more specific because I think I’ve already addressed the issue in as polite and honest a way as I can.

I would like to avoid and divert any further questions about our lack of involvement with them. Do you think it is necessary to address this further, or can we just back away from doing things with them? Or should we just ignore their complaints?

Eric says: They’re so close to realizing that the biggest cause for complaint is coming from them. But they’re unlikely to get there without someone actually spelling it out for them. It doesn’t have to be you, but polite evasion and a slow backing away won’t help you or them.

Your friends may not realize how much they complain, but they know something is up. The woman’s question about if you still like her could be read as a sincere attempt to figure out what’s wrong in your relationship. By telling her what you experience and how it impacts the relationship, you’d be giving her the opportunity to change.