Ask Eric: Friendships may not come easy

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 70s and retired to a new community. We are engaged in church ministries and social groups that meet for dinner periodically. But I have not been able to turn new relationships into meaningful friendships. I have met many wonderful people but have a problem getting close with anyone. Any suggestions?

Eric says: I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re not alone. Many adults struggle to make the deep connections they want, especially later in life or in new communities. I turned to friendship expert Anna Goldfarb, author of “Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.” Here’s what she advises:

“One of the best strategies for deepening a friendship is to provide what researchers call social identity support, which is seeing your friends for all the roles they play in their life.

Another strategy is to recruit an accountability buddy. Identify a meaningful goal you both want to achieve — learning to knit, watching every Matt Damon movie in chronological order or whatever floats your boat. Your friendship will deepen as you cheer on one another because you’re more invested in your successes.”

Dear Eric: I would like to comment on the letter about a reader’s frustrations with her 10-year-old grandnephew who plays video games while on family vacation. I agree family time is important, and, in her own home, she should negotiate something with her niece so she can spend time with her grandnephew during visits.

However, she’s completely out of touch regarding gaming. Many colleges now have competitive gaming teams supported by computing and graphic design faculty. Her grandnephew may be headed to a successful career down the road through gaming.

Eric says: You’re right, it’s all about balance. The letter writer can and should communicate her needs and wants regarding family visits. But she also should remain open to parenting choices that may not be what she would do in a similar circumstance.

Additionally, while moderation is important when making decisions about gaming, you’re correct that it’s a growing and sometimes lucrative field of study and competition.

Dear Eric: I saw myself in the letter from a friend of the woman who is so kind and so helpful to everyone, but rather controlling and beastly with her husband.

However, I see where I can improve in my relationship with my husband, not that he is perfect, as he tends to be a bit self-centered but is a good guy with many excellent qualities.

After reading that column, I took a very deep breath, a big step back, decided to let go and then said to myself, “I can be a better person.” I made a promise to myself to do this, and this is my mantra: “Be a better person.”

Eric says: This is a beautiful response to the sometimes-tricky problem of being a person. I commend you for being willing to be so open and vulnerable, and to commit to change. I also want to encourage you not to be too hard on yourself. It’s great to identify places where you can grow, but it’s also OK to acknowledge places where you need other people to make changes, too.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.