Ask Eric: Guest list expands too much

Dear Eric: Christmas is a very difficult time for me, and I typically don’t celebrate because it brings back painful memories. I moved a couple years ago and found a great group of friends that have quickly become my chosen family. I was determined to take back how I felt about Christmas and began to host a Christmas dinner.

I love to cook, so I make pretty much everything. I’ve done this for three years, and it has made me enjoy Christmas again.

This past one, a couple of my friends asked if they could bring a friend ... or three ... the day of the dinner. I politely said no.

I felt bad, but, to me, this is my family, and because I am making everything, I already accounted for everyone who RSVPed. Did I handle this appropriately? How should I go about this my next one to make sure everyone knows it is invite-only?

Eric says: Good for you for finding a healthy way to reframe a difficult holiday. It’s generous of you to host everyone and prepare the whole meal yourself. Your chosen family is lucky to have you.

You were completely right to keep the guest list limited to those you intended to invite. Not only is a day-of ask hard to negotiate logistically, but additional guests would change the event.

It’s a good idea to talk about this with your friends one-on-one outside of the Christmas season. You can acknowledge that you had mixed emotions about turning down the requests and also give them some insight into the way you’re thinking about your Christmas dinner.

Even if they already know they’re family and that this dinner has been transformational, it won’t hurt to hear it again. It also gives them the opportunity to let you know of any friends that feel like family to them, whom you may want to consider next year.

Dear Eric: My partner and I have been together for many years. We have several pets, and she frequently gushes to them, “I love you! I love you!” This is great but she never says this to me. Am I being a wimp because I would like some of the same affection?

Eric says: If it’s wimpy to want to know that we’re loved, then every single one of us is a wimp.

Remember, however, that love for pets is different from love for a partner. So, you’re not in competition with your partner’s pets, nor should you think of her declarations of love as a personal affront.

Instead, talk with her about the ways you express love for each other. Maybe she thinks of herself as showing love through actions or gestures. Maybe she doesn’t know that you’d like to hear those words sometimes, too.

And ask yourself if you’re telling her that you love her, too. Then try out ways of expressing love that you both can hear, receive, and feel good about.

Dear Eric: Yesterday I was riding my bicycle to City Hall to get a new parking pass for my car. I was standing next to my bicycle by the entrance when an earnest, polite young lady came up to me and engaged me in a conversation.

She asked me if I was homeless and needed a referral to a shelter. I’m a retired 72-year-old lawyer riding a $5,000 bicycle in my cycle clothes.

What’s an appropriate response? Should I get angry? Should I question her motives? Should I be supportive to her? Should I dress better?

Eric says: An appropriate response in this case would be, “Are you affiliated with an organization that helps people experiencing homelessness? Because I have the means to contribute, and I’d like to be of service to my community.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.