Dear Eric: I am a happily married gay man. My husband and I are retired, and we both love to spend our time shopping at thrift stores and antique shops. We each believe the other has a hoarding problem. I believe that we both do, but to varying degrees.
Our home has become so full that we have paths to go from one room to another. Stacks of boxes and bags and collections surround the paths. Despite this, I attempt to clean and vacuum the house, mostly on my own.
My husband’s solution is to box and stack things in the basement. Everything is precariously piled to the ceiling with sparse, dangerous paths that lead through each room.
I want to sift through this mess, choosing to keep only the very best. Then, have a sale. I just don’t know where or how to start. Unfortunately, all that my husband will part with has been damaged in the hoard.
I love this man. I hate how we live. If we had a fire, there would be no clear exit.
I believe that we both could benefit from counseling. My husband does not see it being such a problem. If he can’t find something he needs, he just goes out and buys another, and another and another. This is the biggest problem in our marriage and one I don’t see a way out of (literally).
Eric says: Counseling is a great first step, particularly a counselor who’s trained in working with people who hoard. Even if your husband doesn’t see it as a problem, you should go.
The narrative that’s escalating conflict between the two of you might be one that people who hoard often hear: hoarding is wrong, and therefore you’re bad. If either of you is hearing it from the other constantly, it will be hard to feel motivated to change.