Ask Eric: Hoarding angst is piling up

Dear Eric: I am a happily married gay man. My husband and I are retired, and we both love to spend our time shopping at thrift stores and antique shops. We each believe the other has a hoarding problem. I believe that we both do, but to varying degrees.

Our home has become so full that we have paths to go from one room to another. Stacks of boxes and bags and collections surround the paths. Despite this, I attempt to clean and vacuum the house, mostly on my own.

My husband’s solution is to box and stack things in the basement. Everything is precariously piled to the ceiling with sparse, dangerous paths that lead through each room.

I want to sift through this mess, choosing to keep only the very best. Then, have a sale. I just don’t know where or how to start. Unfortunately, all that my husband will part with has been damaged in the hoard.

I love this man. I hate how we live. If we had a fire, there would be no clear exit.

I believe that we both could benefit from counseling. My husband does not see it being such a problem. If he can’t find something he needs, he just goes out and buys another, and another and another. This is the biggest problem in our marriage and one I don’t see a way out of (literally).

Eric says: Counseling is a great first step, particularly a counselor who’s trained in working with people who hoard. Even if your husband doesn’t see it as a problem, you should go.

The narrative that’s escalating conflict between the two of you might be one that people who hoard often hear: hoarding is wrong, and therefore you’re bad. If either of you is hearing it from the other constantly, it will be hard to feel motivated to change.

However, you are motivated. Focusing on what you can work on within yourself may lessen the tension. And, if it widens the gap between you, counseling can give you tools to navigate it.

Additionally, check to see if there are local resources, such as support groups or training. Also, if possible, hire a professional downsizer. A neutral, trained third party can work with both of you separately and together.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been members of a gourmet group for more than 35 years. We are the last original members of this group. Others have moved away or passed away.

We get together about every two months or so at members' homes. The hosts compile a menu and send the recipes to the other members, and they bring that dish.

To be honest, I don’t feel we want to continue with this group. I am hosting next and would like to gracefully exit after my turn. Any ideas on how I can do this?

Eric says: Make the next dinner a farewell send-off. A gathering like this is the perfect time to say, “Thank you, and we’re moving on.”

Priya Parker, author of the fantastic book “The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters,” once wrote in her newsletter of the same name, “When we pay attention, we use ceremony to mark (or invent) notable transitions. We invite others to witness and partake and help us make something that can feel nebulous visible. But as our lives and communities change and evolve, we often inherit ceremonies that don’t fit the needs of how we live now.”

The ceremony of the dinners doesn’t serve you now, but it provides you the opportunity to gather those who have meant something to you in the past and allow them to send you off to your next great meal.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.