Ask Eric: Man’s flirting crosses the line

Dear Eric: I’m a woman in a new relationship with a man who doesn’t seem to understand an issue I’ve brought to his attention. I noted recently that he checks out other women in front of me, making me feel disrespected. He listened and said he understood completely.

I didn’t have the courage to take it a step further, which is ridiculous given my age (58) and the fact that this “problem” likely will lead to the end of our relationship. He very often engages with the most-attractive woman in his vicinity, even though they often are his own daughter’s age, in a very friendly manner. He doesn’t interact with any males this way.

There’s a line between being simply friendly and overly friendly, especially when there’s a pattern that seems to show a preference for attractive and younger women.

The root of my frustration is that I feel like I could be wrong, that I’m paying too much attention to his interactions with younger women. What do you think?

Eric says: Feeling insecure is not a fault. Often, it’s a warning sign for an unmet emotional or psychological need. Perhaps for you that need is to feel truly seen, appreciated and admired by your partner.

He said he understood the issue when you brought it up, but did he find ways of modifying his behavior or its impact? Some of this is about the other women, but an equal part is the energy and attention he’s pouring into you. If you’re not feeling love in the way you want to feel love, it’s not controlling for you to advocate for that.

Because this is a new relationship, you’re still learning about each other. Being able to communicate needs and boundaries, and to honor them in our partners, is a core building block of successful love relationships.

The drive home was the same. Her rhetoric was filled with the books she has recently read and included every detail of the book’s plots, characters and story lines. It was boring, annoying and exhausting. I couldn’t wait to get rid of her.

I am trying to figure out how to approach what is likely a neurotic personality issue. The last thing I want to do is crush her spirit. What are your thoughts?

Eric says: Is it possible that your friend was as excited to catch up with you as you were with her? That excitement could have boiled over into an overly enthusiastic barrage. No crime there.

The next time you’re together, you may want to temper your expectations while also being more assertive about cutting in. Chatty people often know they’re chatty and won’t bristle at someone calling a conversational timeout.

Here are some interjections that aren’t spirit-crushing:

“Can we slow the conversation down for a minute? I need to catch up.”

“That reminds me of a great story. Can I share it with you?”

If this is a new personality trait, frame it as a concern rather than a complaint. Her loquaciousness could be related to a mental health challenge. But I’d caution against pathologizing it yet. Coming across as annoying to one of one’s friends isn’t a diagnosis you’ll find in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.”