Ask Eric: People-pleaser needs help

Dear Eric: I’m pretty sure I should seek therapy. As a longtime first responder with probable PTSD, plus recent marital issues and the recent deaths of a number of close loved ones, I feel the need to speak to an unbiased third party.

I’m not comfortable speaking with my spouse or friends because I’m the one they all come to, and they see me as the one who has it all together. This is so untrue. I have self-esteem issues, and I’m always worried about being seen as “less than.”

I know how ridiculous this sounds to others (and they’ve told me this), but it’s real to me. Please help.

Eric says: You’re going through a lot. I’m sorry for the loss of your loved ones and for the pressure you’re feeling. I want to assure you that, even though it may not feel like it, you’re taking the right steps.

If you can, try to front-load this fear in initial conversations with a therapist. It empowers your therapist to provide you with the kind of guidance and care that will help you rewrite that narrative.

Thank you for what you do to care for others. Try to give yourself and your healing the same compassion and grace as you heal.

Dear Eric: I received a “Christmas wish list” from one of my husband’s adult children. This person is in their late 40s, married and living in a two-income household. They have three children, one of whom is a college graduate with a thriving career of their own.

We are in our 70s and trying to scale back as we prepare to retire. The wish list consisted of items over twice what we can reasonably afford. I feel like this child thinks of us as a cash stream and we are being shaken down. None one else in the family has done this.

This is stressing me out to no end, and I am beginning to feel resentful. Am I wrong here, or am I missing something?

Eric says: While I didn’t get this in time to reply before the holidays, there’s an option you may want to explore for next year.

I want to assure you that you are not in the wrong. The adult child may have thought they were being helpful by sending their wish list, but it’s coming across as more of a demand than a wish.

A gift isn’t an obligation. It’s an expression of love, a way of saying “I thought of you.” But too often it feels like a requirement, and requirements lead to resentments.

The move toward retirement is a perfect opportunity to segue into a new gifting pattern. At the holidays next year, announce to the family that, because you’re saving for this life change, you’re switching things. Maybe it’s only cards or handmade gifts. Maybe it’s one gift per family. Whatever feels right to you.

Telling your family about this change also gives them insight into ways that they can give meaningful gifts to you, be they fun experiences to do in retirement, supplies for hobbies you enjoy or even money to help you make the most of your days.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.