Ask Eric: Pushy in-laws ruin gathering

Dear Eric: Recently it was “assumed” by my husband’s family that we would host a gathering for out-of-town relatives. I usually have at least one gathering a year for his family. And I’m happy to do it.

We have a nice dining room, but our table was not going to work for the number of people attending. So I set up a smaller table in the living room, adjacent to our dining room. As people were lining up to fill their plates I heard some commotion, walked into the dining room, and saw my two sisters-in-law carrying the extra chairs and place settings to the dining room table.

They had decided it would be better if we all sat together. We were like sardines. Wine was spilled on my grandmother’s tablecloth.

After dinner, I suggested we all go into the family room to chat and we would return to the table for dessert later. I was arranging extra chairs in the family room when I looked up and saw my sisters-in-law bringing in all the desserts. I was told we were going to eat dessert immediately. Everyone was trying to balance their dessert plates on their laps, and my 8-year-old niece dropped an entire piece of chocolate cake on the rug.

As we were cleaning up, my husband mentioned that he thought his sisters were out of line. They always have been a little pushy, but I have either made light of it or ignored it. For some reason, this time it has really bothered me. Am I wrong to be angry?

Eric says: Wine on the heirloom and cake on the rug? I’d be miffed, too.

Let’s say they saw themselves as being helpful, a “many hands make light work” situation. But the work is light only if the hands are working together. It sounds like your sisters-in-law need some gentle but strong direction: “No, dessert won’t work in the family room. Let’s stick to my plan.”

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the grandmother who was given a list of acceptable presents for her grandchild but wanted to buy other things.

How about contributing to the grandchild’s college fund? Whenever there’s a gift she would have liked to purchase, put some of what it would have cost to facilitate the grandchild’s future dreams.

Or give the gift of time: It can be as simple as a trip to the playground, singing songs while pushing the swings, a visit to the zoo or museum, or teaching skills (music, knitting, repairing a treasured stuffie, cooking together or whatever). It’s a win-win for everyone: breathing time for the busy parents, shared experiences for the grandchild and grandmother, and happy memories for all.

Eric says: I love these suggestions. Some readers suggested that the grandmother buy whatever she wants and let the chips fall where they may. That’s also an option. But I think a little creativity can produce greater memories and keep everyone happy.

Dear Eric: I’d like to respond to the woman battling a terminal illness who was feeling lonely. One additional suggestion is for her to join a faith community, where she may find comfort, guidance and fellowship. We attend services at our temple nearly every week and find all that within our faith community.