Asking Eric: Brother’s debt splits siblings

Dear Eric: My brother is always struggling financially. Instead of turning to me, as he has in the past, he recently turned to our sister.

We never get the money back when he asks. Because my sister couldn’t give him the $6,000 he asked for to pay off credit cards, I told her I would, knowing full well I’d never see the money again. I can live with that.

My brother thinks my sister gave him the money (I don’t mind that). However, my sister is calling my brother every month to make sure he pays $100 a month. We use a cash app to disguise that it goes directly to me.

This really bothers me because I know he is doing his best to support his family. I end up giving the payment back to him. It’s insane.

I want out. I want to be able to tell my brother that it was me and that I don’t want the money back. But my sister is adamant about making sure he pays her (me) back. What should I do?

Eric says: Your sister created a farcical caper in hopes of teaching your brother a lesson. But she can’t collect a debt that isn’t owed to her. Tell your brother that the debt is forgiven. And then tell your sister what you did.

The ways that you spend your money and your brother manages his money are none of your sister’s business.

Should you choose to lend/give your brother money again, have an honest conversation about expectations — yours and his. And remember that you still have a right to say “no,” “not right now” and “can we find a different solution?”

Dear Eric: In the past year, my husband and I have received three wedding invitations and a graduation invitation from our close relatives’ children. We were unable to attend these events because they were out of state. We know these relatives didn’t expect us to show up and sent these invitations with the intention of getting a gift of some sort. We also know that this is typical and normal.

We don’t have a lot of extra money in our budget, but were gracious enough to send a card with $100 to each of them. To date we have not received a thank-you note or any acknowledgment from any of them.

They are all under 30. We are at a loss for words with the lack of gratitude that the younger generation exhibits. This bothers us to the point that we don’t want to engage in sending money or gifts for these special occasions anymore. How do we navigate our feelings?

Eric says: The problem of thank-you notes and expressions of gratitude comes up a lot in the letters I receive. This is especially odd to me because there seem to be more and more stores that sell greeting cards, chocolates and housewarming gifts. Are people just buying boxes of thank-you notes and never sending them?

No matter the manners, saying “thank you” when someone does something kind is just basic communication. As such, it extends beyond generational shifts.

Two options: Communicate with your close relatives that their children dropped the ball, or go directly to the children to let them know what your expectation was.

In the future, if you get another gift solicitation from them, you can always opt to donate to a charity in their name and let them know. At the very least, the charity will send you a thank-you note.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.