Asking Eric: DNA test reveals brother’s secret child

Dear Eric: Decades ago, my brother and his girlfriend had a baby. They split soon after the child’s birth and had no contact afterward. He asked me not to say anything about it to anyone, and I have not.

I’m the only person in my family to have had DNA testing, and an “immediate family” connection appeared: my brother’s child, now a successful adult living about an hour from him.

I have not tried to contact this person, and they have not contacted me. But I am consumed with a desire to say something privately to my brother, even if it’s just, “After my DNA testing I was connected with someone from your past, would you like to know more?”

It troubles me that I might go to my grave with this information about my children’s cousin-they-never-had. Should I just keep my mouth shut, hoping my children don’t do their own DNA testing?

Eric says: Put down the cotton swab and step away from the DNA testing site. Your brother also has access to DNA testing sites, but he hasn’t used them. Nor has the child had reached out to you. The parties involved are fine with the status quo.

As to your children’s questions, should they discover a relative through DNA testing, they might reach out on their own. If their cousin responds, they can fill in the gaps in the story just as well as you can.

Dear Eric: My husband has no connection to food other than he enjoys eating it. For the past couple of years, on Thanksgiving, he has volunteered to carve the turkey. I truly appreciate the offer of help at a very hectic time (trying to get a sundry of different dishes on the table at the same time) and love that he wants to be a part of the meal prep.

I have offered to stand by him as he “slices” and to remove the cut pieces to the serving platter immediately, while keeping them covered with foil, but he’s afraid he’ll cut me and doesn’t want my fingers in the way. Last year, I showed him a video on how to carve a turkey and, unfortunately, it did not render improved results.

I realize Thanksgiving is many months away, but I’ve been stewing over how to approach the fact that his “help” is more of a hindrance. Any advice on how to coach him to an improved performance, or should I simply be thankful he’s offered and enjoy the shreds?

Eric says: Enthusiasm is great, but it only takes you so far.

A couple options: You can tell him, as you’ve told me, that the way he’s cutting the turkey doesn’t serve your meal and offer to roast a chicken sometime before Thanksgiving for him to practice on. But that also creates more work for you.

Instead, try redirection. If he truly wants to be helpful, maybe another task will suit him better and actually help you out. Do you need a sous chef to chop mirepoix or peel potatoes? Say, “I love that you want to be helpful. I’ve thought of a way that you can better help me and our guests. Do you want to try it out?”