Asking Eric: Does helping mean condoning?

Dear Eric: My nephew and his girlfriend recently had a child. They are both in their mid-30s and neither has gainful employment. My nephew also has struggled with mental health issues. His mother passed away several years ago, so his remaining family consists of grandparents, aunts and uncles.

I am trying to reconcile my feelings of not “punishing” the baby while not “encouraging” the parents’ current pattern of behavior. To this end, I established a 529 college account and will be happy to pay for supplemental experiences for the child, such as camp, music classes, etc.

One part of the family says we need to help the baby now, not years from now. How do I get over my anger and frustration at the new parents not demonstrating either basic parenting skills or basic adult behavior?

Eric says: Decide if you’re more interested in giving a gift or a lesson. What you’ve offered is generous, but a 529 account can seem like a cold comfort when one is struggling to buy formula or diapers. Ask yourself if helping the family now really “encourages” behavior you don’t agree with or if it is simply aiding a relative in need.

I’m curious what your relationship with your nephew is like outside of your financial support. Can you offer guidance or advice? What does the rest of the family’s support look like?

Maybe you’re all doing everything you can, to no avail. But attaching strings to your money is just going to cause you more frustration.

Start by accepting that this is where your nephew is right now and recognize that life has dealt him a challenging hand that he’s not playing very well. Separating your feelings about his actions from the needs of the baby will help everyone.

Dear Eric: A lifelong friend passed away recently. What would have been her 50th wedding anniversary is coming up next month. Is it appropriate for me to send her husband an anniversary card?

I feel this milestone should be acknowledged in some way, and it might bring him some joy to know I remember. We are all grieving.

Eric says: I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. Her husband surely would appreciate hearing from you and even be encouraged by the warm memories of that special wedding day. Send a card or even consider giving him a call if you feel up to it. You both lost someone who meant a lot to you, so this could be an opportunity for connection and healing.

Dear Eric: I will be dog-sitting for my sister and her husband when they go for a 10-day vacation. When I’ve done this in the past, the husband has accused me of stealing things from them. He even went as far as accusing me of stealing an heirloom that my jeweler grandfather had made and left to me.

Should I have them go through my luggage before I depart to prove I haven’t taken anything? Or should I just not mention it?

Eric says: This guy has a lot going on. You should clear the air and set some expectations before you get there.

Seeing as how he has done this in the past, I’m curious why you keep agreeing to return. Did you ever talk about this?

You’re doing them a favor, so you don’t have to submit to a TSA patdown before leaving their house. Tell them “I don’t want a replay of last time, so if you can’t trust me, you should find another dog sitter with good taste in jewelry.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.