Asking Eric: Estate scam splits brothers

Dear Eric: My husband, “Tom,” and I got on well with his brother, “Dick,” until last year, when Dick became executor of their parents’ estate. Instead of liquidating it and splitting it with Tom, he secretly paid himself more than $100,000 for the first year — more than double the authorized amount.

He offered to buy Tom’s share of a rental property for $11,000 without telling him that he had received a purchase offer for $188,000. He claimed benefits he wasn’t entitled to. And much more.

My kind, trusting, forgiving husband wanted to preserve their relationship, so he offered to sell his half of the estate to Dick at a significant discount. Dick insisted the house was worth 40% less than the value determined by two appraisals.

Tom is shocked and angry, but mostly heartbroken. Dick has left him no choice but to remove him as executor and recover misappropriated funds. Dick is livid, and Tom feels guilty. He loves his brother and hopes to reconcile. How do I support my husband when I think he’s better off without that snake?

Eric says: Tom’s guilty feelings are exactly what Dick wants. By leveraging an emotionally manipulative relationship that’s probably decades in the making, Dick was able to blatantly steal from the estate to which they were both entitled. Tom probably is never going to feel completely settled about the course of action he’s taking now, but it is the right one.

Continue to reaffirm Tom’s decision-making. Remind him that the law is on his side, and he’s been backed into a corner by his brother. If you can, offer to attend meetings with an estate lawyer with Tom. In emotionally charged situations like these, it’s good to have someone to help think through decisions, take notes or ask questions.

If Tom still wants to reconcile, there’s not much point in arguing with him about it. The relationship between these brothers is always going to be complicated.

Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for 11 years and are parents to three kids. We spend a lot of time together, eat dinner every night as a family and try to have one fun event with the kids each weekend.

Occasionally, an event with my friends comes up on a date that my wife already has plans with her friends. When I tell my friends I can’t make it, the response is, “Oh, you have to babysit.”

That wording bothers me, but I don’t know why. And I don’t know what better words to use. I think I’m too caught up on the words, but don’t know how to express how I feel when they say I’m babysitting. Any ideas?

Eric says: It makes sense that the wording bothers you. They are your kids, and the way your friends talk about you spending time with them indicates a profound difference in the way they think about parenting.

They may never really get it, which makes me sad for their families. But try telling them, “It bothers me when you say I’m babysitting my kids. Spending time with them is really important to me, so sometimes I actively choose to be with them and not you.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.